Murphy Simmonds 80 per cent of the web is flesh coloured. We can't remember where we heard that statistic - probably our own heads - but it tells us that most of the data pinging across... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Remember internet fridges? Obviously you don't, because they never really happened, but there was a time when they were being touted as the next big thing. The idea was ... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Apple should make a dildo. The fancy pants tech giant behind the iPod, iMac, iPhone and now the upcoming iPad has a knack of making stuff we've successfully ignored for ... Continued
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Pixelsmith People. Look at people. Aren't they stupid? Look at the way they move, tottering and waddling about on the long, thick arms that stick out of their arses. Legs, they cal... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Are you rich? We don't mean comfortably rich, driving Tabitha to her riding lessons in the 4x4 rich, second home in the Algarve rich or even head of UK operations for a ... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds YOU know who's laughing at you? It's not that group of chavs milling around outside the supermarket and spitting on the pavement, although they did discuss your stupid f... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds You know what ruins touchscreen technology? Clothes. That may sound like a strange claim, and indeed it is, but stay with us. We're heading on an interesting journey int... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds You know what? If we all end up as horrific whale people, then that’s fair enough. Whatever our disgusting future selves are plugged into will have to be pretty damn i... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds It's easy to laugh at the people of the past. They were all so stupid back then, rolling about in the mud, worshipping cats and going to war over salt. Do you know that ... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Remember Virtual Reality? That was a funny old craze. Well, we say "craze", but crazes generally involve large numbers of people, while Virtual Reality seemed to involve... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds What can you get for £5 these days? Not a lot, that's for sure. When we were young, you could walk into Debenhams with a £5 note and come out a prince. You'd have a bu... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Wires. We hate wires. They are an unsightly, tangled canker on the knee of technology, trailing across floors and walls and pets in their quest to connect electrical thi... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Mobile telephones are remarkably useful devices. Once upon a time, the only way of meeting up with people you knew ("friends") was to walk to their home and find them. T... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Why do you get fat dogs? It's always baffled us. It's not as if they can go down the shops and buy cake or open the fridge and nick all the cheese (unless they're very c... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Remember dial-up internet? It was funny. You'd plug your computer into the wall, click a few buttons and a hideous sequence of screeches would be unleashed as the ancien... Continued
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Chad Bradley Families are stupid. Why would anyone volunteer to share their living space with a group of people? They eat your food, use your toilet, watch your TV and litter your ho... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds A £16 Tesco stereo has come up trumps in a user satisfaction poll. There's no way that's right. Tesco is insane. Not insane in the "wibble", pants-on-your-head kind of ... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Are you a man or a mouse? Come on, be honest, Which one are you: a big strong man, with a beard and a hat and an oil-stained face and a shovel, or a tiny mouse, with fuz... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Telly's gone all useful. Thanks to the marvellous BBC iPlayer, Channel 4's 4OD and whatever rubbish ITV is using to channel its low calorie guff, catching your favourite... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Go and have a poke around in your bathroom. What's the manliest thing in there? The loo brush? The shower gel? The pneumatic drill you use to clean the sleep out of your... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Tea. Good God, where would we be without tea? It's a helping hand to ease us into the morning, a loyal companion to perk us up throughout the day and a loving embrace to... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Baked beans. Blip! Kitchen roll. Blip! Weird German sweets. Blip! Laptop. Blip! Would you like a bag sir? Hang on a minute. Laptop? What the hell is a laptop doing on th... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds You know how it is. You're relaxing in front of the telly after a hard day's graft. For 30-60 blissful minutes you enjoy your favourite programme - it could be Eastender... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Ones and zeros. Crack open your portable music player, empty out a handful of songs, peer inside and what do you see? Ones and zeros, billions of them, wobbling along in... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Is it just us or is everyone uptight these days? When we were young, we liked nothing more than pinching a couple of cigarettes from our mother's handbag and running dow... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Do you remember floppy disks? They were funny. They were squarish and slightly bendy and when you inserted them into your computer they would make a kind of farting soun... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Smallness. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? That's a tough call. Nobody wants to stagger into the bathroom to find a woodlouse the size of a toddler skittering around ... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Take a walk around your nearest library. Meander down its aisles and gaze at the incredible breadth of human experience contained within. Billions upon billions of chara... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds TECHNOLOGY is becoming fearsome. The nightmarish predictions of science fiction, those visions of future worlds in which every human action is monitored, processed and r... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Moving pictures. Time was that the ability to create these hypnotic rectangles of motion was held in the hands of a select few. These camera-wielding wizards captured re... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Time. Theories differ on what it actually is. Boffins think it’s a dimension. Philosophers argue it’s a way to quantify the complex chain of cause and effect that ma... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Everybody likes gardens. Festooned with bright flowers, soft grass, twittering birds and cat poo, these lush wonderlands provide a perfect sanctuary from the hubbub of m... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Speakers stand on hallowed turf. We’re well aware that our strange fondness for gadgets is not universal - most would rather have a nice cup of tea and a sandwich than... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds You have 1 new friend request. Hooray! How exciting. Maybe it’s Bob from university. He was crazy, always wearing that hat and trying to kick pigeons. Haven’t seen h... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds People of the Internet, it is time to retreat to your underground bunkers with a well oiled rifle and 3,000 cans of mushroom soup, because humanity has officially cros... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Growing up, we were viewed with suspicion for our love of gadgets. While ma and pa were happy to invest in a Speak n Spell to keep their little nerdling happy, in truth ... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds If there's one movie that has succeeded in putting the absolute fear of God into us, it's The Bourne Ultimatum. In it, an amnesiac Matt Damon jets off to a series of exo... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Mouths are confusing. It’s a well known fact that the inside of the human being is much uglier than the outside. A brief glimpse of televised surgery is all that’s... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds We like radio. As entertainment forms go, we're fond of anything which can be enjoyed whilst engaged in something else. Television is a demanding beast, its evil hypnoti... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds History has an ugly habit of rubbing man's face in his own stupidity. No sooner has our culture wrapped its collective mind around some concept than a new one comes alon... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds There's a little ritual we like to perform whenever we get a new phone, and it comes in four phases. Phase One is to unwrap the shiny nugget, drool slightly like the ner... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Human beings have always been in the game of predicting their own demise. Few civilisations in our chequered history have come and gone without developing some kind of f... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Music and exercise are excellent bedfellows. Few things compliment the rush of cardiovascular activity like some motivational music blaring away in your lugholes and fil... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds It's really dark outside. It's cold too, and wet, and miserable, and depressing, but most of all it's really, really dark. There's barely time at the moment to wake up a... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds We're beginning to feel incredibly sorry for the landline phone. Our walk home from work takes us past a phonebox bearing the message "20 minutes to any landline for just... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Every time we touch upon the frenetic world of mobile telephony, it seems to have taken a fresh leap forward. As if being able to chatter into the ears of your beloved w... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Gyms are boring. They're sweaty, bright and painful too, but most of all they're boring, plain-walled hives of dullness, drudgery and tedious repetition. It's down to th... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Hair is a powerful thing. Whether you want more of it, less of it, or simply an improved version of what you already have, these clumped strings of keratinized protein f... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds You're going to die. Don't panic, it's not going to happen right this minute - unless you've just swallowed a hand grenade - but your death is definitely on the cards. I... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Ears. As sensory input devices go, ears have always been the bridesmaid and never the bride. While our eyes take command by providing us with continually updating inform... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Previously the iMac made a strained appearance in the shed, tempting us away from our beloved but bug-ridden PCs with its luscious looks and ease of use. It didn't work.... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Oh PC, we're sorry, we're so sorry, but we just can't help it. As we gaze at the sleek aluminium and glass, the entrancing 20 or 24 inch widescreen, and the lack - the i... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds They say death is the great leveller. King or tramp, lord or pauper, everyone is equal when they're lying in the ground. It's an interesting observation, but it's also m... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds In these heady days of robots, teleportation and human colonies on Pluto, it's easy to forget how far we have come. Technology has an uncanny knack of becoming essential... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds We don't watch Star Trek. Star Trek's for geeks. Yes, if you push us, we might admit we've watched the old one on BBC2 on a Sunday when we've been hungover. And yes, we ... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds We hate chores. Whether its ironing, dusting, hoovering or feeding our children, we simply refuse to accept that these minor yet regular household tasks are still deemed... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Soda Stream - the kitchen item that divided the haves from the have nots. Back in the previous millennium when we were all young and spritely, owning a Soda Stream was t... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds This Friday sees the UK release of the Playstation 3. Powered by the much trumpeted Cell processor, playing host to Sony's Blu-Ray format - touted as the successor to DV... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Rejoice! We have glimpsed the future and seen something beautiful. It's the brainchild of what we imagine to be a committee of the world's greatest science fiction geeks... Continued
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Murphy Simmonds Toilets. Back in what's affectionately known as "the day", the humble toilet had just two functions. Each of these was given a number, and, for a while, everyone was hap... Continued
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