RollZero is the website of Pixelsmith, a man from the north of England. He writes funny complaint letters as Chad Bradley; posts angry tech news as Murphy Simmonds; witters about his life in Pix's Column and sends out weekly nonsense in the Electric Letter (sign up for that above).
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Motors Review – Volkswagen GTI

Electric Letter | Pixelsmith

First impressions are excellent. The door opens with a satisfying “open” noise, and the seat with the steering wheel in front of it is shaped well for a human body. Putting the key into the keyhole and twisting it makes the car turn on, and then pushing the foot paddles controls going forward. The aforementioned wheel makes the car turn left and right – though disappointingly there are no strafe controls. A surprising design oversight.

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Electric Letter Reborn

Electric Letter

Welcome to RollZero’s Electric Letter, a diamond-sharp powerbomb of lies arriving in your inbox with the force of a million toddlers. Where have we been for the last f...

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A Letter About Eggs

Chad's Letters

Dear British Egg Information Service - First things first. Thank you ever so much for being involved with eggs. I love eggs. I can stare at them for hours on end before ...

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3D Porn

The Shed

80 per cent of the web is flesh coloured. We can't remember where we heard that statistic - probably our own heads - but it tells us that most of the data pinging across...

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A Man Needs a Hat

Pix's Column

A MAN needs a hat. I think that's written down somewhere, in the big book of things a man needs to own if he is to be considered a man. A hat, that's one. A watch, there...

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Mr Kipling's Sex Life

Pix's Column

MR KIPLING is bad in bed. This bombshell was dropped during a TV ad break last weekend and the sheer shock of it immediately smashed at least three distinct taboos in my...

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Internet Everything

The Shed

Remember internet fridges? Obviously you don't, because they never really happened, but there was a time when they were being touted as the next big thing. The idea was ...

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iRod, Apple dildo

The Shed

Apple should make a dildo. The fancy pants tech giant behind the iPod, iMac, iPhone and now the upcoming iPad has a knack of making stuff we've successfully ignored for ...

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No More Threesomes

Pix's Column

LAST month, I turned into a 30-year-old. This threw up a number of problems, chief among which was the acknowledgement that I am now, irrefutably, an adult and am thus o...

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Death by Ants

Chad's Letters

One day, a letter from Norwich Union popped through Chad Bradley's front door, offering "Accidental Death Benefit Cover" for a competitive price. Chad felt that was a li...

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Carapelli Spread

Chad's Letters

Dear Dairy Crest, What’s the best thing on my bread? Not butter – something else instead! It’s the best thing on my toast, It’s the spread I love the best… Car...

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TV Gold Rush

Pix's Column

GOLD! Do you have gold lying around your house? It doesn’t do anything, does it? Just sits there, burning a big spendy hole into your furniture. Horrible, smelly gold....

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Bad Breath Detector

The Shed

  Mouths are confusing. It’s a well known fact that the inside of the human being is much uglier than the outside. A brief glimpse of televised surgery is all that’s...

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