Dear Ikea,

I love your furniture. I really do, it’s fantastic. When I get home from a hard day gritting the roads, I like nothing more than taking my shoes off and sitting down on one of your excellent sofas. They have made a big difference to my life. I used to come home and stand in front of the TV for hours on end, which was a real pain – literally!

So imagine my surprise when I found a massive defect in one of your products – the two-seater Ektorp sofa. I was minding my own business watching Casualty when I felt a pound coin slide out of my trousers. I sprang to my feet, but the coin was nowhere to be seen. It had fallen down the back of the settee!

I pulled the cushions off frantically, then thrust my hand down the thin gap, but I could not find my £1. Panicking, I took a deep breath and forced my head into the crevice. I was not prepared for the sight that greeted me.

I looked down onto a sun-kissed city, teeming with thousands upon thousands of tiny people. Little buildings packed the landscape like sardines. Cars and buses sped along the toytown streets, each one screeching and honking in a miniature motorised rage. As I turned my head to take in the majesty of this secret world, I saw creations of such magnificence I nearly wept. A beautiful, ornate church on the banks of a winding river. A mighty arch stood proud at the end of a thick, tree-lined carriageway. A skeletal tower fashioned from dark steel, pointing, reaching to the heavens.

It was then that I realised I was looking at Paris! That’s right – by some insane fluke, your sofa contained the entrance to a wormhole!

Whether this is a manufacturing defect or a warehouse mix-up, one thing is clear – it is nothing short of reckless. Few people who delve into the depths of their sofa expect to be teleported 2,000 feet above the capital of France. You should look into this fault and stop it from happening again. Could you please send me some reassurance that you plan to do so?

You’re not having my sofa back though. I’m really enjoying it.

Yours sincerely,

Chad Bradley

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Dear Mr Bradley,

Thank you for your recent letter regarding your Ektorp Sofa. May we take this opportunity to applaud your very vivid description and humorous comments, regarding your discovery of a defect or manufacturing fault.

We are assuming the wormhole did not contain worms and although we are a little bewildered by your reference to the discovery of (quote) creations of magnificence, we do take on board your comments, and suggestion of an investigation with the warehouse and manufacturers.

The Ektorp is one of our major best sellers and have few if any complaints. However we are delighted that you are happy with the sofa. Our normal customer care procedures had you not been, would be to exchange it upon proof of purchase and receipt details.

Once again thank you for taking the time to write to us in such a pleasant format. Please do not hesitate to contact us if we can be of further help.

Assuring you of our best attention at all times,

Geraldine Clark

Customer Services