Dear Sir/Madam,

I am interested in becoming a Sandwich Creative. I have a long, chequered history of creating and eating sandwiches - and I am an invaluable member of your team! There are ideas in my head which could revolutionise the sandwich industry. I want to offer them to you free of charge! All I ask in return is full-time employment. My fantastic schemes include:

Parallellogram sandwiches.

Many wonderful things are shaped like parallellograms – biscuits, the wheel, coins – so why not sandwiches too? Parallelograms attract the eye – and what’s more, parallelogram sandwiches could feature ingredients which would never fit in triangular sandwiches. Parallelogram shaped slices of cheese and ham! Parallelogram shaped slices of pumpkin!

Non-bread sandwiches.

Q. What’s the first rule of sandwiches? A. Diversify, diversify, diversify! Now imagine:

(1) Smoked salmon sandwiched between sumptuous chunks of oven-roasted potato.
(2) Vine tomatoes and Parmesan cheese layered between rich slices of lasagne.
(3) Beef in rice.

Celebrity Endorsements.

If Walkers do it, so can you. Nothing would entice me further into buying a sandwich than the sight of, say, Tony Blackburn gurning out at me from the packet.

A flavour shake-up!

Everybody’s tired of the same old tastes. Beef, cheese, egg, ham… what a bore! So take a chance on new Saffron and Coconut, or tasty Chicken and Squid? Fed up with that flat, lifeless triangle? Try new Parallelogram shaped Spearmint with Oats! Mmm… delicious! Perfectly delicious.

Aggressive advertising.

There is no grater threat to sandwich dominance than so-called ‘alternative’ lunch ideas. Wraps, salads, sushi… all are sworn enemies of the humble buttie. It is your responsibility to warn the public about the dangers of these pretenders.

What about a series of ads starring a fictional detective – like Captain Birdseye, only land-based and a detective?

- Inspector Ginsters in The Pasta Salad Disaster.
- Inspector Ginsters and The Case of the Many Carcinogens Found in Wraps.
- Jacket Potatoes Ate My Liver! – an Inspector Ginsters Mystery.

Gold! Absolute gold.

All I ask is full-time employment as a Sandwich Creative or Chief Executive of your excellent company. Since I frequently buy your sandwiches and occasionally eat them, I am well aware of their high, high quality. No other sandwich company interests me.

Yours hopefully,

Chad Bradley

For miniature Chad Bradley-isms and amazing pieces of idiot wisdom, follow him on Twitter. Or use it to request letter ideas.

Dear Chad

Ref: Bakery Vacancies

Thank you for your application for employment opportunities at Ginsters.

Unfortunately we do not have any vacancies suited to your current skills and experiences however, I would like to thank you for the interest you have shown in working for Ginsters and wish you every success in finding suitable alternative employment.

Yours sincerely

Samantha Brown

Assistant Personnel Officer

Ref: Bakery Vacancies

Dear Ms Brown,

Thank you for your quick reply to my letter of February 9, and thank you for your kind wishes of success with other sandwich companies.

Sadly I have already considered applying to other companies, but I decided they would not be good enough to meet my high standards. I will probably stick at the street sweeping – after five years, you get one of those little cars with a brush on for doing pavements. No more back-ache!

I have grudgingly accepted that I don’t have what it takes to be a Ginsters Sandwich Creative or Chief Executive. But I still have faith in my incredible ideas – they really could revolutionise the industry! Parallelogram sandwiches are a worldwide craze waiting to happen.

For my own self-esteem, could you please tell me whether you liked my ideas?

Yours, deflated,

Chad Bradley.

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