There's a new Chad Bradley letter on Rollzero every week. Sign up to the email (above) to get the link delivered to your inbox. Here's his letter to Brylcreem.

Dear Brylcreem,

Since starting to use your Strong Wax 3 months ago, my success with the opposite sex has increased immeasurably. I have gone from being an ugly singleton (Feb 2002) to a happily married man with four children. Juniors 1, B, 3 and 4 light up my life, as of course does my beautiful wife Thomasina (ex foot-model and stripper). Thomasina sometimes spends hours at a time just stroking my hair - and the kids never believe me when I tell them my incredible good looks are thanks to "just one product, guys.... Brylcreem!" [holding my wax aloft].

Bearing this in mind, it is with regret that I write to you with a complaint. For my most recent Brylcreem purchase (Brylcreem Strong Wax, 01121) came complete with none other than TV's Jeremy Spake, of Airport fame or something, inside the tub. The kids love him, admittedly, but Thomasina and I are fast reaching the end of our tethers.

Indifferent though I once was to his televisual antics and camp ways, I must now confess that he drives me mad. He is eating us out of house and home, and requires constant supervision to stop him breaking something important.

Good people of Brylcreem, I beg you to take him back. At the very least, please send us instructions for losing him somewhere.

Yours, in desperation,

Chad Bradley.

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Thank you very much for your letter dated 8th May.

We were so pleased to learn that Brylcreem has helped to bring so much success to your life. Please accept our best wishes on your recent marriage to Thomasina - and do pass on our congratulations to her for producing so many children in such a short time - remarkable!

We are sorry that you found Jeremy Spake in one of our Brylcreem products. Having referred your complaint for urgent investigation, we were most concerned to discover that the real Jeremy Spake is actually overseas at the moment, so the guy in your tub must be an imposter!

We would urge you to slap the enclosed freepost reply label on his forehead and drop him off at the nearest post office as soon as possible.

We are at a loss as to how the contamination occurred in the first place, but rest assured, as soon as the foreign body arrives here, he will be referred for urgent and thorough investigation.

We sincerely hope you will not feel deterred from continuing to use Brylcreem products in the future, and I am pleased to enclose complimentary vouchers for £4.00, as a goodwill gesture.

Yours sincerely,

Lois Perriman

Consumer Relations Co-ordinator

Enc: Voucher £2.00 x 2 (Total £4.00), Freepost reply label