Secret Service
X360
Activision

Any similarities to actual persons or events are purely coincidental, claims a message at the start of Secret Service. That's a relief. We don't like the idea of a world in which dead bodies fling themselves onto tables and disappear, security forces fail to shoot insurgents at 15 paces and everyone from Central America shares the same three lines of dialogue.

As a matter of fact, Secret Service does bear a striking similarity to an actual person or event: the year 1997. Activision had better hope 1997 doesn't have a good lawyer, because Secret Service has clearly stolen its best gaming technology and is now passing it off as its own.

So, what is this game? Well, it's a first person shooter, which means you look through somebody's eyes as he runs around trying to shoot people. Working for the US Secret Service, your 1997-style mission is to protect the President-Elect as he is attacked by a large number of Cuban-esque insurgents. And you'll find, as you shoot your way through a dramatic series of locations including the White House and Capitol Hill, that this attack on the government goes to the highest level. Or possibly the second highest level. We didn't get far enough to find out.

We had penetrated Washington's underground tunnel network and killed a few hundred identikit Mexicans - a third of whom shouted "Viva el Presidente" before they fell over and disappeared - when we got to a tricky bit. After unlocking a big door, we encountered an electric fence which we couldn't get past. Cue 25 minutes of irritated backtracking and electric suicides, until we noticed that we could jump on some canisters and a crate and leap over the fence. And the emotion we felt after solving this conundrum? Dismay. It meant we'd have to keep on playing. We didn't last long after that.

Playing Secret Service is a bit like waking up to find your arms in a box on the other side of the room. And by that we mean it's shit.

4/10

Hey you! Sign up for the RollZero weekly email (top of this page). It's lo-fi and cosy, plus we promise your details won't be sold to evil Nigerian scammers. Unlike your kidneys.