Murphy Simmonds wants an Apple dildo.

Apple should make a dildo. The fancy pants tech giant behind the iPod, iMac, iPhone and now the upcoming iPad has a knack of making stuff we've successfully ignored for years appear utterly essential. We bimbled around like idiots with an actual cassette player until the iPod came along. We carried a text-only WAP-enabled hunk of plastic guff in our pockets until the iPhone made us drool. And we used a stupid old PC until... well, we still use a stupid old PC because we like it when it breaks. Keeps us on our toes.

So if Apple made a dildo, we'd want it. We'd have literally no use for it, but if CEO Steve Jobs took to the stage to unveil the shiny new iRod to the world - all smooth and white and shiny and with a single button that does everything - we'd stick it right at the top of the big special shopping list in our mind (alongside the KitchenAid Mixer and the samurai sword). Then we'd buy one and carry it round all day in our bum, just because we thought it was fashionable.

"The internet wanted Apple to sneeze a little lump of Christ himself out of its big corporate nostril and into our waiting mouths. More fool you, internet"Until then, we're going to have to get an iPad. The iPad was Apple's big exciting new thing that everyone's been getting hot under the collar about. But when it was unveiled at the end of last month, the internet collectively sighed. The new messiah of gadgetry turns out to just be a giant iPod Touch.

Now, a giant iPod Touch is a great idea. Touchscreen web browsing, books, photos and video all packed into a single, slimline lump of glass. And let's not forget the App Store, which, at 140,000 apps, has dropkicked the iPhone from must-have device to something approaching a genuine paradigm shift. Whack on a supersized screen and you've got a whole new world of possibilities, even without the phone functions. It is obviously going to be great.

The collective sigh, however, is because the iPad isn't going to be unbelievably incredible. It's not going to feed your cats, iron your clothes, shoot bullets, teleport you to Texas or perform mindblowing oral sex on you for hours at a time. This is what the internet wanted. It wanted Apple to sneeze a little lump of Christ himself out of its big corporate nostril and into our waiting mouths. More fool you, internet.

We've made the mistake of expecting our idols to produce faultless brilliance, and then Radiohead recorded Kid A, Heroes brought out season 2, the Wachowski brothers made all of their cinematic output since The Matrix and our mum and dad conceived our useless asshole of a brother. Brought our expectations right down to size, which is why we'll be buying ourselves an iPad while the rest of the world's nerds chunter and whinge, then eventually shut their stupid cakeholes and buy one themselves.

We should clarify that we don't actually have a brother. Which is a relief, because he really is an asshole.

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