We trundle out some ideas for a Segway-killer.

People. Look at people. Aren't they stupid? Look at the way they move, tottering and waddling about on the long, thick arms that stick out of their arses. Legs, they call them. Big, clumpy limbs, they are, with grotesque parodies of hands stuck on the end of them and horrid clunky elbows halfway down. It's sickening. They're like fleshy tripods with a missing stick. 66 per cent of a meat tripod, topped off by a big lump of nipples, eyes and teeth. Ugh.

What people are missing, of course, is wheels. All good things (cars, caravans, computer mice, pirate ship steering systems, 90s gameshows, hamsters) have wheels. And all bad things (spiders, hand grenades, gout, viral videos of yourself singing Westlife songs and masturbating, Hitler) don't have wheels. Which is why it's a damn good thing someone (Hitler) invented the Segway.

"He's called Jimi Heselden and we've never heard of him, but then we don't hang out with millionaires much because we sleep in a bin"What's the Segway, you ask? Well, the Segway is a two-wheeled electric transport device for the solo passenger. It was meant to be the next big thing ten years ago, but then again so were Jolly Ranchers (Hitler) and look what happened to them. It hoped to single-handedly wipe out the leggish menace of traditional human locomotion and tragically failed to catch on.

But there's life in the old gyroscopically balanced electric personal vehicle yet, as evidenced by the very recent purchase of the Segway company by a British millionaire. He's called Jimi Heselden and we've never heard of him, but then we don't hang out with millionaires much because we sleep in a bin. What we do know, though, is that he clearly despises the human leg.

If Jimi's reading this - which he definitely will be - then we suspect he'd like to hear of some more revolutionary ideas for non leg-based personal transport systems. We've got the following:

The Gravitrox - a small anti-gravity plinth which straps onto your rear end and propels you in a seated position via a series of fans located on its various sides. 360 degree motion controlled via a brain helmet.

Nike Orbs - shoes on top, spheres underneath. Each trainer has a single metal rollerball as the entirety of its base. A button on the side pumps grease onto the ball for ease of movement.

Horses - like big dogs. You can sit in the middle of them and ride around.

Cows - see "horses".

HovDisc - essentially a paddling pool with air jets underneath. Could be made in various sizes for different amounts of passenger. Pink version for women.

Springipede - surfboard-style platform sat atop hundreds of tiny pogo sticks. Steering wheel attached to a broom handle at one end which does nothing, but looks reassuring.

iLargeHadronCollider - quantum physics machine which smashes particles together to create miniature black holes that suck you along the pavement towards them then harmlessly implode. Plays mp3s.

Jimi, you can have any of the above for £50,000 or 12 Segways. Or 100 human legs and the address of a discreet furnace.

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