| Mental Watch |
| The Shed | |||
| Written by Murphy Simmonds | |||
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$900,000 for a watch? It's a good job we shit money for breakfast."You can't have one, because there are only ten. Ten! You could make more poos than that in a week, provided you put some planning into it."Are you rich? We don't mean comfortably rich, driving Tabitha to her riding lessons in the 4x4 rich, second home in the Algarve rich or even head of UK operations for a major international bank rich. We mean incredibly rich, fearsomely, twistedly, stinking rich, the kind of rich which eats its breakfast of slow-poached kestrel eggs off the tummy of a live-in Japanese prostitute, which wears a suit of panda fur hand sewn by the Queen of Sweden, which owns its own personal missile silo and lives in a solid platinum palace built by mankind's greatest craftsmen on the very peak of the tallest mountain on Mars. If you're that kind of rich, we think we've found a watch you might like. It's called the Arena Metasonic, and it's the latest addition to the Grande Sonnerie range, designed by Gérald Genta. Do those words mean anything to you? Of course they don't, you're poor. You're so poor that you live in the woods eating earwigs. We laugh at you from our shining castle atop Olympus Mons, although we don't laugh at you for very long because anything more than 10 seconds of exposure to the atmosphere of Mars makes our heads explode like the bit at the end of Total Recall. So we have a quick laugh and put the space helmet back on, after which we just smirk.  Back to the watch. At a mere $900,000, the Arena Metasonic is the perfect accompaniment to the finer things in life: selling weapons to African warlords; having tense poker face-offs with British spies; saying things like "I don't pay you to think" and "I own everything ever painted by Hitler"; or simply arranging to have someone killed. Made up of more than 1,000 individual pieces and hand-crafted for more than a year, Genta's incredible creation will give you a lifetime of pleasure and will also tell you what the time is.But it doesn't just tell the time. Well, that is mainly what it does, but there are other features to make you drool, like the ostrich leather strap (ostrich leather?) and the special glass case which renders its contents invisible until you - and only you - push a special button that recognises your finger. Want one? Well you can't have one, because there are only ten. That's right, ten. As if costing $900,000 just wasn't exclusive enough. Ten! You could make more poos than that in a week, provided you put some planning into it. We, of course, could easily buy ourselves an Arena Metasonic, because we're so filthy rich that we've had all our arms, legs and teeth replaced with solid gold. And our eyes. And the rest of our head. But even though we could afford it, we're not interested. We've got a clock on our phone. Get a chunk of RollZero delivered direct to your inbox with the weekly Electric Letter. Sign up in the header at the top of this page.
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