| A Bloody Watch Phone |
| The Shed | |||
| Written by Murphy Simmonds | |||
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The people of the 1950s thought we'd all be using "computers" and "movetalk" telephones by now. The big dead losers.It's easy to laugh at the people of the past. They were all so stupid back then, rolling about in the mud, worshipping cats and going to war over salt. Do you know that before 1900 they didn't have Nintendo Gameboys? Not even the basic Russian style one. What a load of massive idiots - no wonder they're all dead. But there are some people from the past who aren't dead. Incredibly, a lot of people born in the 20th century are still alive today, thanks to medical advances like penicillin and robotic arms. However, that doesn't mean we're not allowed to laugh at them - we just have to be extra careful to avoid the vice-like grip of their powerful metal hands. "We'll carry on working out when Magesto's Global Address is using the electric shock mechanism implanted in our spines at birth, if that's quite alright with the people of the past" So let's do some laughing. Back in the middle of the previous century, soothsaying types liked to entertain their primitive fellow citizens by guessing what was going to happen in the 21st century. Some of their visions have come chillingly true: modern trends like our Government-mandated jumpsuit uniforms, relocation from land homes to undersea cities and species-wide revamp from bipedal mammals to single-gender winged marsupials were all the subject of science fiction debate as early as the 1950s. Many predictions, though, have fallen flat. Foolish futureheads babbled on about a device called a "computer", a room-sized bank of panels and lights with the mysterious ability to work out problems using binary data. Excuse us while we "log" the "compu-answer" to a mathematical problem... oh wait, we can't. Nice thinking, Einsteins - we don't think we'll be binning our abacus just yet. And who could overlook the portable telephone? This insane gadget was supposed to provide us with the means of talking with people while on the go, dubbed "mobility chatting". The idea was that these machines - small enough to be carried in a backpack - could connect to each other without the aid of wires using special microscopic airborne magnets. The telephones, or "movetalks", were also expected to develop functions beyond voice communication. Some lunatics prophesied the use of a system which could translate the position of the Sun in the sky into a process known as "time". Fed into a graphical interface called a "clock", this "time" would tell us at a glance when to wake up, when to have lunch, when to settle down for the compulsory evening broadcast from Magesto, Grand Wizard of the Oceanic Marsupial Uni-Nation (Peace be upon Him) and when to go to bed. Like we said, stupid. We'll carry on working out when Magesto's Global Address is using the electric shock mechanism implanted in our spines at birth, if that's quite alright with the people of the past. More articles like this Stupid Dial-Up A Theory of Time PCs at the Checkout Browse them all here The Shed Clearly a handful of these moronic Nostradami continue to operate, as LG is planning to release a wrist-mounted movetalk, complete with a "clock". It's going to have a "touchscreens", a "blueteeths" and a "videotron callings" and it's going to be really expensive because none of its features have been invented. Stupid LG. Get a chunk of RollZero delivered direct to your inbox with the weekly Electric Letter. Sign up in the header at the top of this page.
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