|A Calendar Machine|
|Written by Chad Bradley|
Paper calendars are for poor people. Wealthy types organise their marital sex lives with a Joggler.
Families are stupid. Why would anyone volunteer to share their living space with a group of people? They eat your food, use your toilet, watch your TV and litter your home with all manner of items which you're not remotely interested in. They're noisy, demanding and unpredictable, and worst of all, most of them look slightly like you.
It's hard enough looking at your own face in the bathroom mirror first thing in the morning - having a family means there are multiple copies of it trundling around the house. Weird, misshapen doppelgangers screeching to each other and guzzling your cornflakes. Why bother?"Children don't use their phones for that - they use it to buy drugs and film happy slapping attacks."
There are advantages, of course. Your spouse - who probably won't look like you unless you're a pervert - can be put to excellent use performing simple household tasks and providing sexual favours. Your offspring are less useful, but can be sent to work cleaning chimneys or farming gold in World of Warcraft. And elderly relatives can provide hours of entertainment if you present them with things from the modern world, like pop music or technology.
But these are just silver linings. None of them makes any of these people actually worth having. Still, it makes no difference. Families just happen, and countless numbers of us are lumbered with them with no clear means of escape. In such cases, the best course of action is to find a way to manage and track them.
Enter the O2 Joggler. The Joggler is being billed as the modern version of Post-It notes. It's not entirely accurate, as the modern version of Post-It notes is Post-It notes, which are still widely available. But the Joggler claims to do a bit more than the common or garden sticky paper square. It's a kind of shared calendar with an iPhone-ish touchscreen interface and a selection of novelty widgets. As long as everyone in your family has an O2 mobile, they can use the phone's O2 calendar to note down precisely what they're up to and send that info to the Joggler. You, meanwhile, can access it via your table and add your own stuff. There are also a load of internetty bits providing news headlines, weather updates and assorted redundant factual nuggets (fuggets) you'd normally use your computer for.
It's a great idea hampered by one thing: reality. If you're hoping to use it to manage your kids, you're sadly misguided. Have you ever met a child that can be relied upon to co-ordinate its own life in advance? They certainly don't use their phone for that - they use it to buy drugs and film happy slapping attacks. Elderly people, meanwhile, are as likely to wrap their heads around the concept as they are to spontaneously transform into helicopters.
And that just leaves you and your spouse. Which could have its advantages - you programme in "oral sex, 3pm", they get a text alert - but since there are only two of you, it makes more sense to spend £2 on a normal calendar and put that on the wall.
We'd advise using a codename for oral sex.