Stupid Dial-Up
The Shed
Written by Murphy Simmonds   

A cable in eye-popping extreme close up

Internet good. But why internet slow? Stupid internet.

Remember dial-up internet? It was funny. You'd plug your computer into the wall, click a few buttons and a hideous sequence of screeches would be unleashed as the ancient voice piping system called out across the network. It was like whale song, as performed by a microwave inside a tumble dryer.

Once it had connected, you'd be charged by the minute to send and receive pieces of data so small they barely even qualified as pieces. Click on a picture link, watch the hair download, twiddle your thumbs, watch the eyes download, get bored, go and make a cup of tea, pop back to check the rest of the face, sigh, call your grandmother to see how she is and, after a 30 minute ramble about which of her friends have recently been declared ill, head back to the computer to see if it had downloaded the boobs.

"Lord Carter surfs the intertubes like a British version of the Lawnmower Man with a monocle and top hat"

Pornographers in the early days of the internet would have better served their customers by printing out a couple of pictures and hiking across the country to deliver them by hand. Although that would have been fairly embarrassing for all involved. But it's a good job they never got round to that business model, because the advent of broadband would have made it obsolete. Now data transfers at such blistering speeds that you can actually plug your genitals into the wall and directly take part in the scene on your monitor

At least, that's the story for part of the population. According to a recent declaration by Ofcom - that's the telecommunications industry watchdog, ombudsman fans - 40 per cent of the UK still doesn't have broadband. 20 per cent  just don't want it, presumably because they are very old, don't have a computer or can't use their limbs. About 5 per cent can't afford it, which is excusable.

Whoosh! It's Cyber-Lord Carter!

But it's not clear what the problem is for the remaining 15 per cent. Surely it isn't because they can't get it. You have to live in the middle of the sea these days for that, or not have a house at all, and 15 per cent of the UK is not made up of tramps and sailors. Or is it? Maybe it is. We're clearly missing a trick. Statistically, at least one in ten of RollZero's articles should be about fish or the best kind of food you can get from a bin. We'll do a bit of research. Watch this space.

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Anyhow, according to a big report named Digital Britain, done by a man called Lord Carter who surfs the intertubes like a British version of the Lawnmower Man with a monocle and top hat, it's very important that this broadband gap be plugged to prevent a population divide. Tough job, practically speaking, but if anyone can do it, it's Powerlord Carter the Cyber Peer. He has our support. It's about time the Government started taking porn seriously.

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