Tools. Big hard sweaty tools, for real proper men. Here's one.

Are you a man or a mouse? Come on, be honest, Which one are you: a big strong man, with a beard and a hat and an oil-stained face and a shovel, or a tiny mouse, with fuzzy little ears and prickly whiskers?

Obviously that's a figurative question - we doubt that you're an actual mouse, and if you are, well done for learning how to read - but it's still handy to know the answer. Here's a quick quiz to help you work it out.

(1) You see an attractive young lady struggling with her shopping. Do you: (a) take hold of the heavy carrier bags and run at full speed, bellowing, in the direction of her home; or (b) attempt to climb into one of the shopping bags, which is warm and contains food?

(2) You hear a knock at the door, and answer to discover a nice old lady who needs help hammering some things into a wall. Do you: (a) grimace, leap towards the lady's garage, gather metal nails between your teeth and force them into the wall with the power of your face; or (b) scurry under the sofa while the owner of the house, a human, goes to answer the door?

(3) While enjoying a pint of delicious beer, you are approached by a dusty looking gentleman who challenges you to a duel. Do you: (a) accept his offer, follow him to the car park and engage in a spirited bout of fisticuffs until the local constabulary suggests you stop, or until somebody dies; or (b) eat some lovely cheese?

If you answered mainly (a) that means you're a man. Congratulations - you may now find a wife and have some children. However, if you answered mainly (b) that means you're a mouse. Commiserations - you have a maximum life expectancy of just two years and must survive on a diet of pelleted and seed-based food. But hey, you can read, so it's not all bad.

Now that we've weeded out the rodents, it's time to get down to business. Black and Decker, the renowned man-based company run by men, for men, with the assistance of women but only on reception and sometimes in the lab if they don't touch anything, has made a special new screwdriver for stupids. It's called the 3.6v Lithium-Ion Auto Select Screwdriver with Magnetic Screw Holder, which is the kind of informative no nonsense name a man demands, and it's got a retractable metal arm that comes out and holds your screw in place using witchcraft, leaving your other arm free for punching robbers.

And that's not all. It also has an amazing "Auto Select Clutch" which provides "the right torque for your screwdriving applications". That means you select "big" (like tanks)

No, no! Stop that. It's just nice - nice and manly. Yup.

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