Using a wind-up remote could prevent your death, not to mention the rise to stardom of the world's greatest trapeze artist.

You know how it is. You're relaxing in front of the telly after a hard day's graft. For 30-60 blissful minutes you enjoy your favourite programme - it could be Eastenders, it could be Miss Marple, it could be a harrowing documentary about a one-legged Russian who can only communicate by whistling - and then it comes to an abrupt end. As the credits roll, the continuity announcer informs you that the news is coming up next. Oh no!

You've got barely a couple of minutes to take command of the telewaves and change the channel before your entire night is ruined by a depressing chunk of reality. Wars and stabbings and global economic collapse and, if it's an especially bad day, a heartwarming tale about a plucky turtle that survived in a tin of dog food or an elderly person who uses Facebook. The horror!

Flinging your plate of egg and beans to the floor, you scramble down the side of the sofa for the remote control. You unearth 27p, some bits of crisp and an old lighter before - joy - your hand bashes against the remote. Wrenching it out from the guts of your furniture, you hold the device aloft like a sacred chalice and point it towards the screen. Quivering, your finger alights on a button and pushes down.

Nothing happens. The remote control, swine that it is, has run out of batteries. Defeated, too weak to stand, you slump back onto the settee and stare blankly at the television. The news starts. Within ten minutes you've died of sadness. Five weeks later your neighbours report a bad smell. A policeman breaks into your house and find your corpse clutching the dead remote. Your head has fallen off and been eaten by ants.

The policeman is so traumatised by the sight he quits his job. His wife leaves him and, with nothing left to tie him down, he joins the circus, where his incredible skill on the trapeze earns him the title of "The Unbelievable Trapezium". He tours the world, delighting audiences wherever he goes, bringing laughter and magic to children and adults across the globe. And it's all your stupid fault.

This frankly ridiculous turn of events could have been prevented with the Wind-Up Remote Control. It's a brilliant gadget which controls your TV and various related devices without the use of batteries. Instead you turn the little dial on it to give it juice. Admittedly it looks cheap and requires 30 rotations to get enough power for a week's worth of channel hopping but look, it is cheap, and there's every chance it could prevent your death. What the hell are you complaining for?