MP3 players and blood alcohol measurement - together at last.

Is it just us or is everyone uptight these days? When we were young, we liked nothing more than pinching a couple of cigarettes from our mother's handbag and running down to the park to spark them up them behind a bush. There was nothing wrong with it. It was healthy, a spot of grown-up grit to help our lungs get nice and strong. But try giving a couple of Lambert and Butlers to a child nowadays and you're likely to find yourself face to face with a policeman.

And what about unidentified pills? If we were having trouble sleeping as youngsters, we'd sneak into the bathroom, prise open the medicine cabinet and swallow a few tablets from the colourful boxes and bottles on the shelves. Then we'd take a couple of heavy tools from the garage and run around the neighbourhood using them on parked cars and hedges and pets. An hour later we'd pass out in somebody's garden, sound asleep and dreaming of roses. Without that, we'd have been insomniacs, unable to concentrate in class. And yet if you help today's pupils by doling out prescription meds at the school gates, all of a sudden you're a criminal.

But our biggest gripe is drink driving. This decade has seen honest, tipsy motorists treated like common thugs by the law, with trumped-up magistrates imposing bans of up to two years on car lovers who had the temerity to get behind the wheel after a glass of sherry. It's madness. Science has never discovered a cast iron correlation between driving under the influence and an increased risk of accidents. On the contrary, booze can actually boost your motoring prowess. For one thing, it makes you brave. Nobody ever died of bravery. It also it encourages you to drive faster. Up your speed and you lower your journey time; fewer minutes on the road means less chance of crashing. What's more, it's great fun. And as any doctor will tell you, fun is the best medicine. Fun and apples.

Despite all this evidence, this country's lawmakers still insist it's wrong to drive hammered. What choice do we have but to obey, lest the courts wrestle our precious licences from our hands? Handy, then, that there's a new portable breathalyser in town. Named the iBreath, this one's especially amusing because it plugs into your iPod - which means if you breathe into the tube and it tells you you're over the limit, you can just pop your headphones in and slump on the pavement listening to a bit of experimental jazz until your blood stops being gin and starts being blood again.

If the iBreath finds you under the limit - and we're not sure it would stand up in court, but it's got to be better than guessing - then you're free to step inside your vehicle and enjoy a sober ride home. Even better, the device doubles as an FM transmitter that sends your iPod tunes to your car radio, so you can spend that alcohol free journey listening to the sound of your favourite tunes. You have to agree, there's no better way to drive.

Oh who are we kidding? Grab the car keys, we're off to the pub.