A MAN needs a hat. I think that's written down somewhere, in the big book of things a man needs to own if he is to be considered a man. A hat, that's one. A watch, there... Continued
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MR KIPLING is bad in bed. This bombshell was dropped during a TV ad break last weekend and the sheer shock of it immediately smashed at least three distinct taboos in my... Continued
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LAST month, I turned into a 30-year-old. This threw up a number of problems, chief among which was the acknowledgement that I am now, irrefutably, an adult and am thus o... Continued
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I turned 30 last week. I was expecting big things, hoping that my clock would flick from 19 minutes past midnight to 20 minutes past - the time of my birth - and I would... Continued
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I WAS listening to a story on the radio recently. It was a special investigation into online bullying, highlighting the way that social networking and instant messaging ... Continued
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HELLO and welcome to 2010. It's great, isn't it? I'm currently flying around in my hovercar, munching on a couple of food pills and writing this via a special helmet whi... Continued
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SIMON Cowell has stolen Christmas. He’s a great waxen faced grinch with black Weetabix hair and a waistband up to his nipples, camply stroking his chin as he sits at h... Continued
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I WENT shopping in Leeds on Sunday. It’s my super secret tactic for avoiding the Christmas crowds, although the number of people out and about suggested that somebody ... Continued
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GOLD! Do you have gold lying around your house? It doesn’t do anything, does it? Just sits there, burning a big spendy hole into your furniture. Horrible, smelly gold.... Continued
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"So what are you missing to be here?" I'm lying on my back as a woman in hospital garb wires me up to a heart monitor. Her two male colleagues are chatting away, helpful... Continued
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I'LL probably be unconscious as you read this. While you're sat there tucking into a nice cup of tea and some delicious cake, I'll be out cold on a hospital bed with the... Continued
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"IN 200 metres, turn right." This is brilliant. I've driven along this road at least 700 times before and taken this turning nearly as often, but I've never been told to... Continued
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I’VE just made a cup of tea. It's not ready to drink yet so I have to make do with staring longingly at the mug and imagining how nice it's going to be when it cools d... Continued
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Yorkshire's best travelled spider is currently making its home in my wing mirror. In the last two weeks, this creature has travelled well beyond the means of the average... Continued
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My dad's gone on holiday and that means I'm on watering duty. While he's enjoying America and his two dogs are living it up at the kennels, about 50 loyal pot plants hav... Continued
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"This is the worst chowder I've ever eaten. Look at it, it's watery, it's disgusting, I wouldn't feed it to my pigs. You're clueless. You're an idiot. You're a big cluel... Continued
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Ever ruined somebody's morning just by being there? I used to work at a hospital. One day as I was walking into one of the hospital buildings I saw a medical student mak... Continued
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FIFTEEN men. 15 women. Add paper, pens and a person with a whistle and the result is what's known as "speed dating". You may have spotted that I've been banging on about... Continued
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Speed dating. It's a weird old business. Gather a cluster of singletons, shove them into a room, pair them up for four minutes at a time – refereed with a great big wh... Continued
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"Hello. So, what do you do? That sounds interesting. Have you tried this before? Me neither. Bye!"Take that conversation, multiply it by 15 and the result, give or take ... Continued
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I've just bought an iPhone. It's brilliant. It's amazing. It's a little slab of the future mystically transported to our time and placed directly into my hand for a mont... Continued
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PARKING’S ridiculous in this town," says the man."Er... yes," I say. "Council needs to do something about it," he says, shuffling about a bit. "Yup," I reply. "Probabl... Continued
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Don't drive with your knees. They don't tell you that one at motoring school, but they should. Mirror, signal, manoeuvre, don't drive with your knees - that's what they ... Continued
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Warning! says the big red sticker on my gas fire. "This appliance has been disconnected." There's a little box below and inside somebody has scrawled the words "spilling... Continued
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Bzzz. Bzzzzz. Ugh, get off. It's a Monday night, I'm answering emails and there's a fly flitting around my head. They love computers, flies, hovering around the screen l... Continued
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I've been watching Big Brother this year. I think that technically makes me an idiot. I'm easy with that - it's the latest in a 29 year long list of things which makes m... Continued
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Last summer, an old friend of mine had a reunion. Pals from school and university gathered in Leeds to reminisce about times gone by and exchange stories of the kind of ... Continued
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"Welcome to Halifax Bank Accounts. Please choose one of the following four options. If you are an existing bank account customer, press one." One. "For general bank acco... Continued
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My lungs are full of chemicals. I'm coughing on the back step, having stumbled five feet from the inside of the kitchen where the gaseous contents of my cooker just inva... Continued
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Midnight on a Tuesday. Nobody awake except drunkards, burglars and insomniacs. Nobody, that is, except me and the Tesco delivery man. The clock was still a little shy of... Continued
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Three onions and half a Chinese lettuce: the sad contents of an unloved salad drawer. In the shop, these vegetables are thrilling items filled with potential, tightly pa... Continued
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There's a car gazing up at me from the tarmac. This should be reassuring - it is, after all, my car, trusty companion for the daily commute - but it isn't. From this win... Continued
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