RollZero is the website of Pixelsmith, a journalist from England. He writes funny complaint letters as Chad Bradley; posts angry tech news as Murphy Simmonds; witters about his life in Pix's Column and sends out weekly nonsense in the Electric Letter (sign up for that above).
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Mr Kipling's Sex Life

Pix's Column | Pixelsmith | Tue 16 March 2010

MR KIPLING is bad in bed. This bombshell was dropped during a TV ad break last weekend and the sheer shock of it immediately smashed at least three distinct taboos in my head. It is the fault of an advert for Mr Kipling's Oatibake cakes. You may have seen it. It marks the official debut of Mr Kipling's wife, Mrs Kipling, who reveals at the outset that she is not getting "enough oats". Hilarity ensues as Mr Kipling ignores the double entendre and, being a fictional construct who exists solely to promote cakes, responds by baking a cake. With...

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3D Porn

The Shed | 2 Mar

80 per cent of the web is flesh coloured. We can't remember where we heard that statistic - probably our own heads - but it tells us that most of the data pinging across...

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A Man Needs a Hat

Pix's Column | 22 Feb

A MAN needs a hat. I think that's written down somewhere, in the big book of things a man needs to own if he is to be considered a man. A hat, that's one. A watch, there...

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Internet Everything

The Shed | 15 Feb

Remember internet fridges? Obviously you don't, because they never really happened, but there was a time when they were being touted as the next big thing. The idea was ...

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iRod, Apple dildo

The Shed | 8 Feb

Apple should make a dildo. The fancy pants tech giant behind the iPod, iMac, iPhone and now the upcoming iPad has a knack of making stuff we've successfully ignored for ...

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No More Threesomes

Pix's Column | 4 Feb

LAST month, I turned into a 30-year-old. This threw up a number of problems, chief among which was the acknowledgement that I am now, irrefutably, an adult and am thus o...

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Segway Killer

The Shed | 31 Jan

People. Look at people. Aren't they stupid? Look at the way they move, tottering and waddling about on the long, thick arms that stick out of their arses. Legs, they cal...

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Bayonetta

Reviews | 26 Jan

Bayonetta's got guns on her feet. She also beats angels to death, wears a catsuit made from her own hair and randomly sprouts butterfly wings from her shoulders, but eve...

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Games of 2010

Reviews | 19 Jan

Remember 2009? No, us neither. We're all about 2010 here, and the fact that we can't decide whether to call it "two thousand and ten", "twenty ten" or "ten past eight" i...

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A Bloody Watch Phone

The Shed

It's easy to laugh at the people of the past. They were all so stupid back then, rolling about in the mud, worshipping cats and going to war over salt. Do you know that ...

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Plotting a Route to Serbia

Geek Adventure

The clock seemed to strike one million before I eventually rose. This was unwise. Today we were to plan our journey from Sweden to Serbia, and a mere glance at the timet...

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Under the Knife

Pix's Column

I'LL probably be unconscious as you read this. While you're sat there tucking into a nice cup of tea and some delicious cake, I'll be out cold on a hospital bed with the...

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Gas Panic

Pix's Column

Warning! says the big red sticker on my gas fire. "This appliance has been disconnected." There's a little box below and inside somebody has scrawled the words "spilling...

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