MORE than 3,000 people have died playing WoW. Read on and follow our safety guide if you want to live

World of Warcraft is a fun way to spend your time online. But it’s all too easy to lose yourself in the game and forget the most important things of all: safety and security. In real life, these concepts are reinforced from an early age - whether we’re crossing the road, playing football or even just staying at a friend’s house. Whatever we’re doing, it’s crucial to ask ourselves: are we safe? Are we secure? If the answer’s yes, then it’s time to go ahead and have fun! If the answer’s no, however, we need to rethink what we’re doing. Because nothing’s worth being in danger. With that in mind, here’s a guide to staying safe and secure when playing World of Warcraft.

1) A Blizzard employee will never ask you for your password. They may, however, ask you for your bank details, social security number, breast size and favourite REM song. Do not tell them your favourite REM song.

2) If somebody asks you for your password while playing World of Warcraft, that person is a Russian spy. Kill them at once.

3) If you have trouble remembering your password, under no circumstances write it down. Instead, create an html document containing usernames and passwords for every website you use, and mark each with a direct link to the login screen of the site in question. Upload this to the World Wide Web and you’ll be able to access it from any computer with an Internet connection.

4) Sometimes things happen in the World of Warcraft which make us angry, like being killed by an enemy or losing out on an item we had our hearts set on. It’s vital not to take this anger out on other people. Instead, try counting to ten or cutting yourself.

5) If you get World of Warcraft in your eyes, wash with soapy water. If you swallow World of Warcraft, seek medical attention immediately. Never combine World of Warcraft with other cleaning products.

6) While playing World of Warcraft, you may be approached by a paedophile. This is a very dangerous variety of sexual predator, which must be treated with great caution. When the paedophile asks you for cybersex, inform it that you are over 30, then give it the name of any players you know who are under 16. This will encourage it to leave you alone. When the paedophile ends the conversation, quickly draw a picture of what you think it looks like in real life and mail the drawing to the police.

7) Staring directly at your computer screen can cause seizures. Prevent these by taking drugs.

8) Murderers prey on people who are playing videogames, because they are not paying attention to what’s happening in the real world. For that reason, it’s sensible to always carry an axe.

9) Do not use a mobile phone while playing World of Warcraft. Your tiny mind cannot handle all that technology.

10) World of Warcraft can be an addictive game - but no matter how long you play for, you must never forget to take care of your basic human needs. Take a break every hour and have a drink of water, eat a small sandwich or piece of fruit, jog up and down the stairs for two minutes, go to the bathroom, leave the house to head to the shop, buy some items from the shop, hop back home alternating five hops on the left leg, five hops on the right followed by a star jump, get back in and change your clothes, read a book for ten minutes, call your cousin up to say sorry for last Friday, practice piano, learn to moonwalk, write a 1,500 word essay on the philosophy of mind...

... deep breath...

...swallow your pen while singing Bible quotes to the tune of The A Team, run up your stairs as fast as you can, dive out the window and fly up into the air until all the people below are like tiny ants, then feel the pull in your chest and ask yourself what the point is, truly, deep down, why it is you cling on to life like a limpet to a dirty rock as the harsh, cold ocean dashes against your back, and cry, cry until your throat aches and your heart bleeds and your eyes run dry, then fling your body back towards the earth in bitterness and resent and helplessness and when you near the ground, just seconds before you hit, remember the first time you saw snow, and the way it felt, cold and wet and magical against your fingers, and smile, grin widely, pull up from the dive and land on your feet because it’s worth it,

Those are the ten most important safety and security tips for World of Warcraft players. Keep them in mind at all times - because you can never be too safe. Or too secure. Thank you.