| The News, Nov 13 |
| Electric Letter | |
| Written by Pixelsmith | |
| Friday, 13 November 2009 19:08 | |
 with Murphy Simmonds Friday, November 13, 2009  THE mind of Tom Cruise may finally be returned to its owner after the capture of the suspected masterminds behind a spate of Hollywood burglaries.The group - including 18-year-old Nicholas Prugo and 19-year-old Rachel Jungeon Lee - are accused of breaking into a string of stars' homes and brazenly walking out with their property. Lindsay Lohan and Orlando Bloom are among the high profile names already believed to have been targeted. But now Prugo, who is currently being interrogated by police, claims he knows the whereabouts of several other items taken from Hollywood's elite - including the mind of Tom Cruise. The mind, famously lost by the Top Gun and Cocktail star several years ago, is reportedly being kept in a storage locker somewhere in Texas. Prugo claims he can also lead police to a number of other long-missing high profile possessions, including Eddie Murphy's mojo, George Lucas's soul, Madonna's real arms and Paris Hilton's hymen. More ---- Ungulate THE world's last living giraffe has asked everybody to leave him alone. Gary, who lives in a tree near Niamey, capital of Niger in West Africa, released an official statement this week declaring that he is sick of being photographed. "I don't care if I'm the last one," he said. "I'm not a nature expert. I'm a giraffe. "Just leave me in peace so I can eat these leaves off this extremely high branch like the incredibly tall even-toed ungulate I am." More ---- Butter A RARE set of mushrooms smuggled out of China before World War Two is to be returned to the country. The 2,278-strong collection was gathered by scholar Shu Chun Teng in the 1930s, and includes moulds, lichens, yeasts, rusts and morels. Teng travelled his homeland on horseback for a decade, collecting fungi from forests, fields and marshes. But the Japanese invasion in 1937 called for desperate action to save the prized haul from destruction - leading Teng to smuggle them out of China to the safety of a contact in America. More than 70 years later, the mushrooms are to be returned home, where they will be soaked in water, fried in butter and served with an omelette to the President. More ---- Slippery THE sexiest fight in living memory has taken place in Manchester, England. The punch-up broke out between Miss England, Rachel Christie, and Miss Manchester, Sara Beverley Jones, after a row over Gladiators star Tornado. It is hoped that the pair started out by pushing each other, before tearing their clothes off while onlookers covered them with body oil. Some ten minutes of heated, slippery wrestling are generally imagined to have ensued, with the clash culminating in what many have mentally pictured as full lesbian sex. Christie has stood down from her role as Miss England following the incident. Chairman of the Miss England contest, Gladys McMuriel, confirmed that a rematch will be televised in the spring. More ---- M British Prime Minister Gordon Brown has outraged the country by writing an "m" when he should have written an "n". The error, which occurred in a handwritten letter to the mother of a soldier killed in Afghanistan, is the single biggest affront to Britain's war dead since the beginning of time. In his note to Jacqui Janes, the PM misspelled the surname of deceased Guardsman Jamie Janes as "James". "With this 'm', Brown has practically urinated on his country," said Conservative leader David Cameron in a statement today. "The Sun is quite right to highlight the anger of Mrs Janes over the 'm', which I personally share as a British citizen. "When I become Prime Minister, I will ensure that those bereaved by war are treated properly by receiving a type-written letter which has been prepared and double checked by somebody other than me. "The Conservatives will also work to outlaw the letter 'm' from the alphabet to prevent this tragedy from happening again." A vast number of political commentators could not be contacted at the time of going to print, due to being busy whining about literally everything. More Get RollZero news delivered direct to your inbox with the Electric Letter - click here to sign up
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Anonomouse makes this comment
Fri 20 Nov 2009 12:54:26 CST
Pixelsmith makes this comment
Fri 20 Nov 2009 17:20:43 CST
jonathan makes this comment
Tue 18 May 2010 11:11:12 CDT