| The News, Nov 4 |
 with Murphy Simmonds Wednesday, November 4, 2009 Bath  US President Barack Obama will not be destroyed by a huge volcano.The revelation follows last week's claims that US President Barack Obama will definitely be destroyed by a huge volcano. The news has delighted the President's supporters and White House staff, who had become quite worried. Reports broke last week that a huge pool of magma may lurk under Washington State. The geological theory led many to the conclusion that the White House and everything in it would be engulfed in burning rock, leading to catastrophic loss of life and serious charring damage to historic furniture. But the claims have been quashed by an elite group of world cartographers, who have discovered that Washington DC (home of the White House) is not the same as Washington State (home of the magma). Spokesman Johan Contour, Master Mapmaker of the Ancient International Guild of Cartographographologists, said: "The distance between Washington, DC and (Seattle) Washington State is approximately 2,800 miles, with an estimated driving time of approximately 42 hours. "But don't just take my word for it. Go have a look on wiki.answers.com. That's where I stole my first sentence from." President Obama could not be contacted at the time of going to press, because he was in the bath. ---- Puzzled The new President of Afghanistan has announced he still has no idea what is going on. Hamid Karzai was declared victorious in the country's ballot on Monday, after many months of intense and overriding confusion. Voters elected Karzai despite not really knowing who he is, which party he stands for and when and where to place their vote. Despite the residual uncertainty, the news has been greeted with congratulations from nations across the world. "We would like to offer the new President, insert name here, our utmost support in doing whatever it is s/he plans to do with insert nation," read a statement from the UN. A joint message from Great Britain and the United States offered "our heartfelt congratulations in working it all out" and a request to "please summarise it for us in an email". Karzai accepted his Presidency by looking slightly puzzled and waving at nobody in particular. More ---- Pink SCIENTISTS have decoded the DNA of a pig. The international experiment was undertaken to determine the physical make-up of an unfamiliar pink mammal which had taken up home in a laboratory in Helsinki, Finland. "It took us many years to pinpoint and identify the genetic composition of the creature," said Professor Miika Haarson of the University of Helsinki. "But now we know it's a pig." The pig is not believed to have survived the project. More ---- Schmientist THE British Government's senior independent drugs advisor has been sacked after giving independent advice about drugs. Professor David Nutt, who looks like a simultaneously older and younger version of Ricky Gervais, was fired from his position as chairman of the Advisory Committee on the Misuse of Drugs (ACMD) after voicing fresh criticism of the retightening of UK cannabis laws. Home Secretary Alan Johnson, who removed Prof Nutt from the role, said: "We can't have people saying whatever they like. "This Government is tough on drugs and the reckless discussion of rational viewpoints by an independently-appointed scholar of drug misuse should not stand in the way of policy. "Scientist schmientist." More ---- Nuggets The Olympic Commission has launched an investigation into Usain Bolt following accusations that the athlete was seen eating a cheetah. The world-record-holding Jamaican sprinter was allegedly spotted chasing after the beast on a Kenyan savanna in September. Onlookers claim he caught up with the animal, wrestled it to the ground and began biting at its neck. One it stopped moving, he is said to have eaten it. "This would explain it," said Chief Olympic Detective, Borang Wantumbo. "There's no way you can run that fast on a diet of chicken nuggets." Legend has it that consuming an entire cheetah bestows a human with incredible speed for as long as four to six months. Bolt first gained international recognition with a 200m gold medal at the World Junior Championships in 2002, leading some to suspect he may have eaten as many as 21 cheetahs. "The investigation remains very much open," said Chief Detective Wantumbo. "But if he's not been eating cheetahs, my name's not Borang Wantumbo." More Get RollZero news delivered direct to your inbox with the Electric Letter - click here to sign up
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Hoofy makes this comment
Fri 06 Nov 2009 16:18:34 CST