with Murphy Simmonds

Thursday, October 29, 2009


Mountain

THE body of Leonardo DiCaprio could at last be laid to rest in American soil.

The actor - who froze to death while clinging onto a lump of wood in the North Atlantic - will be among hundreds of millions of dollars worth of artefacts set to be salvaged from the wreck of the Titanic in 2010.

DiCaprio's corpse was last seen drifting to the bottom of the ocean by actress Kate Winslet.

The pair fell in love on board the vessel before it tragically hit an iceberg and sank. He is believed to have surrendered his place on the piece of wood to save her life.

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Shaving

BUTTERFLIES are just as mental today as they were almost a century ago, new research has revealed.

The report, which studied small ears located on the wings of the blue morpho butterfly, has shocked the nature community by confirming that butterflies have ears on their wings.

Despite this fact being known since 1912, nobody has quite been able to believe it.

"Who has ears on their wings? Nobody," said Professor Emelius Kraftwerk, chair of entomological studies at Oxford University. "So this thing about butterflies is a bit hard to stomach.

"What next? Ants with eyes on their fingers? Bees with legs on their face? Dogs carrying their minds around in little balloons?

"I'm not happy."

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Cake

A LARGE crater believed to be caused by a meteorite-like object has been revealed as a hoax.

The site, in Latvia near the Estonian border, has been thoroughly inspected by experts, who have found no evidence of a crash-landed object.

Most likely, they claim, is that the crater was man made.

"EARTHLINGS DO NOT NEED TO CONCERN THEMSELVES WITH THE HOLE," said Commander Zaxxon #Z7697, one of the scientists who attended the scene.

"THERE IS NOTHING OF INTEREST INSIDE THE HOLE. STAY AWAY AND DO NOT DISTURB IT."

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Flaps

BARACK Obama will be destroyed by a huge volcano.

The revelation logically follows from news that a huge pool of magma may lurk under Washington state.

The molten rock, which has a temperature of 1,300 or 1,400 degrees, will burst through the Earth's crust and engulf the White House.

The President, his staff and a number of visiting dignitaries will try to run from the building, but everything will happen so fast that their flesh will inevitably be consumed by the unfeeling river of hell.

"Running will not save Barack and his people," said magma expert and author of "Magmanimous: Man Vs Magma", Garstang Chucknut.

"You simply can't outrun an angry magma flow. I've seen people try, from the comfort of my helicopter. And believe me, they don't try for long - on the contrary, they are covered in boiling rock and become quite badly burned.

"I can see no other possible future for the doomed occupants of the White House.

"As the underground volcano shoots its horrific payload into the very heart of western power, the various policies and decision-making processes of the day will become little more than a charred footnote on a page titled 'Disaster'."

President Obama did not wish to comment at the time of going to press.

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Obelisk

FOREIGNERS are going to ruin the internet just like they ruin everything else, if planned changes go ahead.

A meeting in Seoul, South Korea, is taking place this week to determine whether non-English languages can be used for international domain names.

If approved, the move will stop English being quite as important as it is now, which is very annoying and is only being done because foreigners are lazy.

It is one more nail in the coffin of foreign people, who have been systematically ruining things for the English since 1300BC. Things they have ruined include:

Holidays
Roads
Haircuts
Fashion
Speaking
Text
The alphabet
Music
England itself (Rome, Scandinavian and France to blame)
Politics
Television
Literature
Art
Weather
Food
Humanity

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...transmission ends.
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