RollZero Electric Letter #19 - September 30, 2009

In this issue...

• Special limited edition delay
• Coyotes and moose
• Stupid names
• Manuals: a lament
• Penguins vs rockets

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Welcome...

Welcome to RollZero, the only weekly email which arrives on Wednesday night when it's supposed to arrive on Tuesday lunchtime.

We worked incredibly hard to bring you a delay that unique. Sheep Farmers' Bulletin is delivered at 9pm on Thursdays but the latest one arrived on Friday morning. Salad Observation Update comes at 4am on Saturdays, but this week's issue was delayed until 4.27am on Saturday. And Avoiding the Massive Carnivorous Mutant Crab in Your Garden News is generally sent out when the Moon enters the Tertiary Quadrant of Tyberius, but was recently emailed to subscribers just after the Sun had exploded.

What we're getting at is that the Electric Letter's delay is LIMITED EDITION and available to you today for the INSANE price of literally nothing. We'd strongly advise you to print out this email, put it inside an airtight container, put the container inside a condom, swallow the condom and keep it in your stomach until 2025, then pass it painlessly into the toilet, fish it out, give it a wash and put it on eBay. You'll be surprised how much it's worth.

Anyway, let's stop all this foreplay and get down to some disco.

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The News
With Murphy Simmonds


Handbags

MODERN children cannot handle heroin, crack cocaine, crystal meth, LSD and large doses of ketamine, according to a new report from a respected medical publication.

The periodical, Paediatrics, released details of a wide-reaching new study which introduced more than half a million children to a range of narcotics over a number of years.

It found that those younger than five struggled the most with drug use - common problems included overdose (heroin), addiction (crystal meth) and inability to comprehend the vast mysteries of the universe (LSD).

But those over five also reported difficulties, with some youngsters turning to crime to fund their habits. One child was seen selling stolen chocolate bars at school for as little as 10p each, to earn money for crack.

"We could have guessed this would happen," said study originator Dr Flambert Crantock. "But it was a lot of fun."

More

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Recession

COYOTES will kill us all.

The creatures, renowned for their demonic horns and fists the size of trucks, have been capturing and eating humans in California.

One resident, who asked to remain anonymous in fear of revenge attacks from the beasts, said: "Local legend tells of a giant coyote disguised as a man who walks through the streets at night painting a wolf's head on the doors of sinners.

"In the morning, those people wake up to discover they have been killed.

"Right now they are attacking California. But soon they will attack every town in the world."

The UN is preparing for the onslaught by offering free hand grenades to all humans over the age of 10.

More

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Grapefruit

BRITISH television viewers are bracing themselves for complete physical and emotional devastation following news that they will need to perform a minor administrative task.

Users of the Freeview service - which provides digital programming to households for an annual licence fee - will be required to re-tune their set-top box from tomorrow, to allow more people access to Channel Five.

Viewers' rights campaigners have branded the slight technical challenge "an absolute disgrace".

Simon Fluffigan, press liaison officer for the viewers' pressure group Televisualanol Internationale Technicalitofitan Societos (TITS) said: "I am absolutelli flabbergastisimo about zees terribello disgraci.

"I urge all Breetish people to have a huge poo in ze street."

More

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Grandmother

MOOSE are getting sick of all this sunshine, according to moose.

A new report claims that sightings of moose are on the decline in the traditionally moose-rich area of Minnesota.

The report, created by moose, claims that global warming is making everything really hot, and to be quite honest we've had enough of it.

"I hate it," said a moose. "We all hate it.

"I remember when we moose we free to roam these lands, ritualistically slaughtering the first born sons of man with barely a care in the world.

"Now look at us. We're a sorry state. We're mooserable. We've moosed all respect for ourselves. We haven't made the moosed of these circumstances and we moose the good old days."

A number of moose honked in agreement then ran off.

More

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Silly Names
Silly Names

We did data entry once, which was unbelievably dull but did have two distinct advantages. First up, we became an amazing whizz with the numpad on a keyboard, shooting six digit numerical codes into the archaic computer system like an epileptic digital cowboy. Second, we encountered a small selection of incredibly ludicrous names which we remember to this day. We promise you with our hands on our hearts that these are genuine, because nine months of flicking through hundreds of names a day means you do not need to lie. They included:

Shania Twain Smith
Elvis Presley Smith (brother of Shania)
Rainbow Delight
Jinglei Dong
And our personal favourite, Pheck Eng.

Since then our silly name exposure has been a little thinner on the ground. But the sad story of a dead man re-ignited the passion inside us.

Willie One Punch

Is it right to laugh at another's horrific misfortune? No, no it isn't - unless the person in question is named Willieheado! That's right, it's the tragic tale of Willieheado Patrimonio, in which our delightfully monikered hero was killed with a single punch to the face.

The actual details of the fatal punch are rather sad, but if you don't read them then it's almost as if they never happened, and then the only word which bounces around inside your brain is Willieheado, glorious Willieheado, the magical storytime fairy with a winky on his bonce.
Willie

Frunge

It's quite funny working inside a tiny newspaper office, with weirdos walking in off the street all day and doing things like emptying a bag of rocks on the floor ("I found these in the road, it's disgusting") or quivering with rage because you got the opening time of their choral event wrong in the paper.

RollZero doesn't work in such a tiny newspaper office any more, but as we were reminiscing about it, we remembered someone telling us about My Turn to Make the Tea by Monica Dickens, which is apparently about working in a tiny newspaper office and which we really should read one of these days.

And then we went to the Wikipedia entry for Monica Dickens to find out a bit more, and discovered that her mother was named FANNY RUNGE! That sounds more like an intimate complaint than a name: "I've been through three pairs of pants already today because of this fanny runge."

Still, at least she wasn't punched to death in the face. That's quite cheering.
Fanny

Poppadong

If you laughed at Jinglei Dong and Pheck Eng, that means you're a racist, unless you come from a country which names its people things like Pheck and Jinglei (we're guessing that country is located on the Moon) in which case you're a national traitor for laughing at your fellow citizens.

Anyway, it was that very variety of casual xenophobia which led us to topple over with glee when we received a press release from NOPADON WONGPAKDEE. We loved his silly name so much we instantly forgot what his press release was about and deleted it. There's really no reason to link you to Nopadon Wongpakdee's web presence, but just in case you're itching to find out more, here he is: Nopadon

We see Nopadon does Thai boxing. Bearing in mind that we do not want wish to be killed by a single face-punch from the iron fist of Wongpakdee, we should point out that his name is extremely good and not at all silly.

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In Memory of Manuals
Pixelsmith Laments

It never used to be like this.

Unboxing technology was one a simple process. Hands, scissors, an excited pulling motion and a fair bit of mess, and bingo - one gadget, a couple of leads and a manual. And we'd busy ourselves inside that hallowed piece of literature to ensure that whatever nodule we plugged into whatever hole was meant to be.

The same was true of videogames. Carefully plucking a SNES cartridge from its box, we would slide out the manual with the delicacy of a bomb disposal team, as though it might fall to the floor and smash. And then we'd read it like it was the Bible.

Several months ago, we bought a sat nav. When it arrived, we tore open the box and gazed in mild awe at the contents. Unit. Leads. Windscreen attachment device. CD-ROM. Plastic bags. Polystyrene lumps. Needless slabs of cardboard. And there, nestled amongst the important things, was a manual. The manual - last on the list.

When did this happen? Years have passed, yes, but where in that passage of time can we find the line we crossed, that intangible point at which manuals ceased being hallowed tomes compiled by those in the know and start being flimsy bin-fodder?

Two reasons, we suspect. Reason one, the internet. Information is now so incredibly swift and abundant that anything delivered in physical form has to fight to retain its relevance. When newspapers and magazines are floundering, what chance has the humble manual, with its slimmest of budgets? We scoured forums before buying our sat nav, ripped through numerous Google searches and product reviews before settling on the one we thought would suit our needs. No wonder the manufacturer's pamphlet looked so malnourished and one-sided when it arrived.

Reason two: we got old. Back when we were 12, all it took was an official drawing of Bowser to make us believe our Super Mario Kart manual was the stuff of the gods. We're not so easily fooled now. We can spot an ill-chosen font at 20 paces; we can identify low quality paper; we can recognise a cheap staple. We've seen too much to be hoodwinked by a fancy cover. Multiply this hard-nosed cynicism by the power of the internet and you've got a consumer who will no longer trust his product literature.

Turns out it did used to be like this. It's not the documentation which has changed... it's us.

*Sniff*

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Final Thought

Last week, we asked you this brain teaser: what is the difference between a penguin and a space rocket?

The answer? A penguin is a two-wheeled vehicle powered by the internal combustion engine, while a space rocket is a delicious treat made from brie.

Next week, find out the answer to this poser: what's the French word for "table"?

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End Bit

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