RollZero Electric Letter #18 - September 22, 2009

In this issue...

• RollZero gets another kitten
• Unseen Chad Bradley
• Women holding shovels
• Celebrity Kit Kat eating
• Two headed humans - the shocking truth

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Welcome...

...to the RollZero Electric Letter, the only weekly email which gets derailed by a new kitten every seven days. Last week we brought you Bruce, the tiny bundle of fluff rescued from a dismal Glasgow pet shop and transferred to the RollZero HQ orbiting 15 miles above the Earth.

This week we bring you our second and definitely final kitten, the somewhat larger and more Egyptian looking Penfold, liberated just two days ago from an animal rescue centre to keep Bruce company while RollZero's core staff of one is doing his day job.

Penfold and Bruce are currently undergoing an elaborate "getting to know you" dance, in which Bruce unleashes his inner Glaswegian and tries to fight Penfold but doesn't quite know how to do it because he's too small, and then Penfold tried to fight him back but doesn't really want to because he's too nice.

This is punctuated by Penfold repeatedly trying to urinate on the RollZero Xbox 360, which is a very bad state of affairs indeed. He got the cables at the back last night. Only our quick wits and lightning fast reflexes will save our console. Those eight years living in the treetops training Kung Fu with the ghost of Bruce Lee were not wasted after all!

So what do we have for you in this irregular Electric Letter? Find out below!

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RollZero Latest
Things on our website

Pixelsmith
Gordon Ramsay consumes a whole weekend as Pix gets sucked into the glorious world of TV-on-demand, a mere half decade after the rest of the world: More
And then there's this thing about how he always eats all the nice stuff from his dad's cupboards when he goes round to water the plants. A heartwarming tale about the realities of family life, is what we'd say if we were trying to market it to morons as a movie: More

Angry Tech
A study about how much teenage humans ("teenagers") look at screens makes Murphy Simmonds irrationally annoyed: More

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Unseen Chad Bradley
A letter that never got a reply

Dear Mr Muscle,

Your products are brilliant. I simply cannot do without them. I sometimes find it tough to keep on top of all my housework and chores, and so whenever friends come round to visit, there are often small things I am embarrassed about. Spots of dust, the odd item of clothing drying on a radiator, sometimes a half eaten tin of beans strewn across my bed or a dead bird. My friends forgive me, of course - that's what friends are for! They don't tend to come back though.

Actually, my cousin David pops round pretty much once a week. He doesn't mind any of the mess. To tell you the truth, I think he just does it because he doesn't have a television and likes to watch mine. I'd prefer it if you didn't tell him I said that. He's quite sensitive.

But thanks to the Mr Muscle range I know there's one thing I never have to worry about: nibbles. I like to get a couple of (clean) bowls, fill one with tortilla chips or rolled up balls of sliced bread, and squirt some Mr Muscle Oven Cleaner into the other one. The foam has that perfect "dipping" consistency, something I've never been able to achieve with my own concoctions. It's also delicious on carrot sticks.

Your Cream Cleaner is also an excellent substitute for fattening dairy cream. I use it to sandwich meringues together, as a quick and easy topping for trifle or, if I'm feeling especially decadent, I'll stir a little into some scrambled eggs. Yum!

The reason I write, besides expressing my love of Mr Muscle products, is to make an enquiry. I have yet to try Mr Muscle Sink and Plughole Unblocker and I am wondering if you could give me some advice on its possible uses. I read the back of the container while browsing my local supermarket and saw that the contents are described as a "thick gel". Would this work as a dessert, perhaps with some tinned fruit? Or should I serve it as an aperitif?

Any guidance you can provide would be very much appreciated.

Yours sincerely,

Chad Bradley.

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Stupid Yahoo Answers
In search of internet wisdom

Last week we asked you to be silly on Yahoo Answers, a remarkable service which allows internet users to seek advice from other internet users, which is like the blind leading the blind through a bear trap factory.

Reader Aidensfield brought the idea to our attention, asking things like how best to catch a cupboard gnome which keeps stealing your baked beans (here).

Russ answered our call, scattering a handful of golden question nuggets onto the digital battlefield. For example: "Who's the most famous person you've seen eating a Kit-Kat? Kit-Kats only please. I'm fed up with people banging on about celebrities with a Lion bar." (Here)

Irritatingly, some people thought that perfectly reasonable query was a joke. But he has more luck when he asks: "Why do deaf people have to watch TV really late at night? Sign language presenters must cost a fortune, they surely cost even more doing nights." (Here). For the non British, this refers to a strange televisual trait in which normal telly is re-shown in the middle of the night with a little person in the corner doing sign language.

One reply: "It's not live. Do you really think they stand there at 2 in the morning doing it all of the top of their head? What's my source? Probably the fact I'm not retarded."

That's an excellent reply. But not as excellent as one which annoys the deaf: " 'WE' dont watch TV late at night, we watch it the same as everyone else, TVS just put on extra programmes with sign language so we can watch something in our own language, most people record them and watch them in the day. And subtitles arent good enough because most deaf people arent fluent in English and if they are its their second language so its harder to follow."

It just goes to show you don't have to be able to detect sounds to not have a sense of humour.

Dev, meanwhile, has circumvented Yahoo Answers entirely, and emailed to tell us about his burgeoning collection of stupid Yahoo Groups. Our favourites include Women wearing clown noses, Women holding shovels and Women cooking spaghetti. We dream that one day all three can be combined into some kind of super fetish.

We're still taking your Yahoo Answer related stupidity, if you end up with time on your hands and fancy trying to make yourself laugh by tricking random strangers into thinking you're an idiot.

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Final Thought

Last week, we asked you what it would be like if man had two heads. We expect you couldn't wait to find out, which is why we're thrilled to be able to bring you the answer!

If man had two heads it would prevent boredom by making sure we always had someone to talk to. However, it would also be really weird when having sex and/or a poo.

Yeah, we said "and".

Next week, find out the answer to this incredible question: What is the difference between a penguin and a space rocket?

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End Bit

We forgot to mention that we managed the Great North Run - thanks a lot to anybody who subbed us a couple of greenbacks to help the sick kids. Our legs will begin working again in a couple of weeks.

Right, we're off. Say hello to us, send us links, do that silly thing with Yahoo Answers and tell us about it, or even send us vague threats in which you describe how you'll hide in our car for 12 years then leap out and steal our sat nav: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

You can also follow us on Twitter: @chadbrad, @pixelsmith or @gm_wint
Or you can take us out back with a shotgun: [SUBSCRIPTIONS]