RollZero Electric Letter #17

Originally sent out Sep 15.

In this issue...

• RollZero gets a kitten
• Oranges
• Jogging
• Money
• Stupid Yahoo Answers

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Welcome...

...to the RollZero Electric Letter, the only weekly email which went to Glasgow and came back with a kitten. He's eight weeks old and we've named him Bruce, and now he lives in the RollZero HQ, three miles below the surface of Yorkshire.

For animal welfare purposes, we should clarify that the RollZero HQ is in fact a terraced house staffed (i.e. lived in) by one person named Pixelsmith. And for human rights purposes, we should clarify that Pixelsmith is not his real name, and Murphy Simmonds, Chad Bradley and Sweat16 are also not his real names, and at times like this we wonder whether it might be a bit odd to refer to yourself as "we" all the time, but then we remember we kind of like it.

Anyway, here's Bruce playing a bit of Halo 3: Bruce. Bruce doesn't let us write unless he's asleep. He leaps onto our back and trundles all over the keyboard and dangles off the internet cable and meows until we stop typing and throw a ball around. He's sleeping now, but soon he will wake and wreak his miniature brand of havoc upon the house, thereby derailing production of the Electric Letter once more. As we write this, there's still a chance Murphy Simmonds will be able to bring you the news. But it's not a strong chance.

On the assumption that the news will be lacking, we're going to do something else instead: ask you for money. But it's not for us, it's for sick children. More on that below.

Oh bugger, he's just woken up. Look, we've just taken a photo of him lurking on the chair right next to the computer. Look at that expression. He's not taking "no" for an answer: Bruce now.

Gah. Let's just get on with it.

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RollZero Latest
Things on our website

Pixelsmith
A student gets so embarrassed he falls over in Pix's account of the longest 90 seconds of somebody's life: More
And some whinging about ironing: More

Sexy Chats
A cybersex conversation gets turned into a chunk of quiz show: More

Trials HD
Murphy gets angry at Xbox Live Arcade's most addictive summer game: More

Geek Adventure
Brodos and Pixelsmith get a short tour of Belgrade from their Serbian hosts: More
And ogle the hulking wreck of the bombed Yugoslavian military HQ: More

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Jogging
Pixelsmith solicits your cash

I AM a jogger. I admit it. My interest has grown over the summer to the point where I now find myself bouncing out of my house a few nights a week, running in one direction until I feel like I'm going to collapse, stopping, turning around, briefly contemplating lying down right there and then and embracing death, before glumly lurching back home like a wounded dingo.

I wouldn't call it a sport. I suppose it becomes a sport once you become good at it, but what I'm experiencing is more like a particularly boring form of punishment. Sport generally comes with something to distract you from the agony, like other people or a ball. You don't get that in solo running. There is something mildly pleasant about watching hedges scroll past in your peripheral vision, but essentially it's just you, your thoughts and an interesting variety of steadily worsening pains.

I've learned that you're not supposed to call it pain. I discovered this once at the gym when I looked at the warning text on a treadmill, which said something along the lines of: "Stop immediately if you feel faint, dizziness or pain." My first thought was that you shouldn't list an adjective and two nouns like that, which says more about me than the treadmill company. The second thought was that telling people to stop exercising when something start to hurt is like telling people to stop drinking when they start to feel drunk. It feels like it’s missing the point.

It turns out that admitting you're experiencing pain is taboo in fitness circles. I was bickering to a gym worker once, and I mentioned how stretching hurts but is oddly satisfying. They looked genuinely concerned that I was experiencing any kind of pain.

"What do you call it then?" I asked.

"Call what?"

"That feeling. When part of your body which is being exercised feels unpleasant."

"That's discomfort."

"Isn't that just pain?"

"Nope. You don't want pain."

"What's the difference?"

They floundered at that point. The best they could come up with was that pain is bad and discomfort isn't, which isn't a proper difference at all. Still, it's hardly surprising that they were stuck, as you can't really describe pain. It's like explaining what red is - all you can really do is point at a red thing. With pain, you just have to say "ouch".

Anyway, it emerges that running causes a great deal of discomfort. Indeed, sometimes the discomfort in your legs is strong enough to leave you with residual discomfort for a few days. A sort of tender discomfort in your thighs, an aching discomfort in your calves and hamstrings, occasional sharp twinges of discomfort in your feet and a nagging discomfort in your knees. On the plus side, at least there isn't any pain.

There's a reason behind all this exercise: I'm doing the Great North Run on Sunday. This has been an eye opener for me. Almost five years of working for a newspaper have all but deadened me to tales of charitable sporting achievement. A half marathon sounds impressive until somebody rings up and tells you they're doing a full one. Then you're impressed until somebody calls up and says they've climbed Kilimanjaro, a feat which is swiftly rivalled by someone cycling to Italy, swimming the Channel, navigating the Arctic or rowing to Brazil. Before too long you're virtually impossible to wow by anything short of an unassisted dive to the bottom of the ocean or a pogo-stick race to the Moon.

Anyhow, more fool me, because running 13.1 miles is really hard. I tried 10 the other week and my foot almost fell off. It doesn't help that the Great North Run ends up in Gateshead. Where's the motivation in that?

Sorry, Gateshead. That was in poor taste.

However, it’s all for a good cause. A very good cause, in fact, as I’m hoping to raise some money for Martin House Children's Hospice. My sponsorship page is up here and if anybody would like to help me get to my £250 target, I'll owe them a big grateful hug. Not right after the run, obviously. I'll be too busy lying in a heap.

Love,
Pixelsmith.

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Stupid Yahoo Answers
Go and be silly

This has probably been done before, but then again so has everything these days, so let's ignore that.

A RollZero correspondent, who we shall refer to only as Aidensfield, has been amusing himself by putting foolish questions on Yahoo Answers. First he asks where he should propose to his Shakespearean fairy bride (here) and then he enquires about quitting smoking after getting into trouble with the Dark Lord of Middle Earth (here).

"throw all ciggrets away.or smoke 2 a day," advises one correspondent. In your face, Sauron.

Anyway, it got us to thinking - could any fellow Electric Letter readers create some entertaining stupidity on Yahoo Answers? If you can, you should do it and tell us about it by emailing This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it . Your prize - internet fame! Well, we'll write excitedly about you in the next issue. And you'll make us happy. Imagine that.

If you have an Xbox 360 that you can play English games on, we'll also give you a copy of that new Wolfenstein game.

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Orange
A poem by Chad Bradley

I walked down into town for lunch
And bought a lovely orange.
I peeled it and began to munch
And then oh yeah nothing rhymes with orange does it?

I wandered into town for tea
And bought a tasty orange.
I broke the skin and it broke me
And hang on that doesn't make any sense, and I've tried to rhyme something with orange again.

I ambled into town for eats
And saw a yummy orange.
But then I bought some licorice treats
Because that's easier to rhyme oh dear this is actually quite irritating.

I shimmied into town for snacks
And found a juicy orange.
Bugger.
At least I cut it off in the third line that time.

I moonwalked into town for nosh
And ate some chips before I got to the greengrocers,
Which solved everything.

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Final Thought

Two weeks ago, we asked you what it would be like if man had two wheels instead of two legs. The answer: it would be brilliant for a day or two and then it would get really annoying.

But what would it be like if man had two heads? That could work. Or could it? To find out, tune in to next week's RollZero Electric Letter.

Obviously you don't "tune in" to emails, but you should work out what the equivalent is and do that.

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End Bit

Say hello to us, send us links, do that silly thing with Yahoo Answers and tell us about it, or even send us vague threats in which you describe how you'll hide in a bush for three days until we walk past, then leap out and steal our shoes: This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it

You can also follow us on Twitter: @chadbrad, @pixelsmith or @gm_wint