RollZero Electric Letter #16

In this issue...

• Aeroplane toilets
• Chad Bradley confuses himself
• Eight chutneys
• Highlights from RollZero.com
• A heartfelt appeal

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Welcome...

...to the RollZero Electric Letter, the only cheese to be too strong for the supermarket strength ratings. They go from 1 to 5, sometimes 6 if it's a brave supermarket. The cheese that has just arrived in your email inbox, however, is strength 19. Put that in your cheesepipe and smoke it.

You may wish to eat the resulting smoked cheese with some delicious crusty bread and a jar of chutney. Plum chutney, apple chutney, carrot chutney, beetroot chutney, beef chutney, cheese chutney, titanium chutney, bum chutney, do we look like we care which bloody chutney you eat it with? We make cheese, not chutney. Does it say "chutney makers" on the front of our cheese farm? No, no it doesn't.

We don't have a cheese farm.

What even is a cheese farm? Stop wasting our time.

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RollZero Latest
Things on our website

Speed dating
The secret of successful speed dating: tell her she's fat. The final bit of Pixelsmith's adventure into quick fix dates.
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Sexy Chats
"I can't tell you any more - they may be monitoring our frequency." Sweat16 confuses an unsuspecting Dubai resident: he was looking for cybersex, but he wasn't expecting to hear from a kidnap victim.
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Graveyard Shift
GM Wint elaborates on the joys of the Blizzard night shift.
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Geek Adventure
Pixelsmith learns a little about the history of the Balkan conflict from his Serbian host, Peyota.
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The News
with Murphy Simmonds

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Cow Stabbing

A BRITISH pensioner has been wowing crowds by hurling spears into an angry cow.

Frank Evans, 67, is believed to be the oldest man - and the only Briton - currently employed to stab cattle.

"It is not a pleasant way to spend an afternoon," he is quoted as saying in The Times. He then spun round and kicked a cat in the face.

More (The Times)

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Donald Duck VS The Incredible Hulk

DISNEY has announced it will completely ruin Marvel at a cost of $4 billion.

The family friendly entertainment company is to buy the comic giant, grabbing rights to 5,000 characters including the X-Men and Spider-Man.

"This deal could go one of two ways," said comic industry analyst Davidas McMichael.

"Either Disney destroys Marvel by shoehorning the likes of Wolverine into the Little Mermaid as a comedy sidekick.

"Or the opposite happens, and we get Donald Duck vs Hulk and the Punisher stamping on Hannah Montana's head until it pops like a rotten melon."

Marvel's head of marketing, Stelios McSpirros, said: "I absolutely reject the suggestion that Disney will ruin our rich comic universe.

"Thanks to more than decade of X-Men, Spider-Man, Fantastic Four, Wolverine and Hulk movie franchises, we've done that all by ourselves."

More (Yahoo)

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Hard Old Lady

A ROBBER's groin has been spectacularly thwarted by the well-placed shoe of a 71-year-old woman.

Dawn Fraser, a former Olympic swimming gold medallist from Australia, also grabbed the man's ear and hair as he tried to burgle her Brisbane home.

She is now officially the world's third coolest old lady, after the Queen of England and that one who stands in the road near our office swearing at trucks.

More (Yahoo)

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Aeropoo

POO did not cause a 10 hour flight delay, claim staff at Biman Bangladesh airlines.

The company's flight from Dhaka to London was held up when all five of its on-board toilets became blocked.

"This is not due to our stodgy in-flight meals," said pilot, Captain Asif McShazad.

"It is the fault of passengers, who were trying to flush all sorts of stupid things out in midair."

Airport sanitation staff tasked with cleaning out the bunged-up lavatory ducts eventually extracted the following blockages:

12 Paper cups
Three sanitary towels
Two kilos of hair
A child's drawing of Boris Yeltsin
One normal iPod (16gb) and two iPod Nanos (4gb)
A zebra, whole
Four pairs of shoes, various sizes
Nine flatscreen televisions
300 poos
A teapot
David Blaine
The Greatest Hits of Queen (CD)
Flight 14a to Dubai, lost in May 2006. Its 132 passengers and six crew remained alive by eating the seats which by sheer luck were made of pitta bread.

More (BBC)

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Refer a Friend


The RollZero Electric Letter needs your help. With literally no money, hardly any time and only one finger, the hard working craftsmen who prepare your weekly email find it very hard to tell people that it exists.

That's where you come in. It is your moral duty as an Electric Letter reader to pimp us to people who you think would like it. Do you know how much of a favour this would be? It's not possible to measure. It's off the chart. We drew a chart on a piece of graph paper we nicked from a school we broke into, and there was no way to represent it on one side of A4.

Don't mess with maths like that. Refer your friends to the RollZero Electric Letter and we'll love you forever. Sexual favours can also be arranged.

Send them here to the archives, and tell them the sign-up box is at the very top of the page.

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It's Very Late
A poem by Chad Bradley

It's 23:15 on a Bank Holiday,
Which means that I have to go to work tomorrow.
I ask myself this:
Why am I writing poetry when I should be in bed?

I answer thus:
I don't know, Chad.
I literally don't know.

Thanks Chad.
Thanks for nothing.

Hey!
Don't be aggressive just because I don't know the answer.
It's not my fault you're writing midnight poems.
Oh wait it is.

Yes, exactly, Chad.
If that is your name.

What's that supposed to mean?

You know what it means.

Look, I don't need this
When I'm trying to write.
It's hard enough as it is
And I can't think of any rhymes.

What was that?

What?

That rhyme.
Were you trying to rhyme "write" with "rhyme"?
That's terrible.

No, it's not supposed to be a rhyme.
I suppose I should clarify that in the text.
But then again,
If I go back now and add a note,
People will read that before they read this
And they might get confused.

Good thinking Chad.

Thanks.

NOT!

Oh no.
You owned me there.

I certainly did.
You didn't see that one coming
Did you?

No.
Come to think of it
That's a bit weird.

Shut up Chad.

Alright.

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Final Thought

Man has two legs. But what would it be like if we had two wheels? The answer to this question, and only this question, will be revealed in next week's RollZero Electric Letter.

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End Bit

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