| Electric Letter #15 |
| Electric Letter | |||
| Written by Pixelsmith | |||
| Thursday, 27 August 2009 00:01 | |||
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Like this? Get it delivered directly to your inbox by popping your email address in the little box up there at the top of the page.RollZero Electric Letter #15 - August 25, 2009 In this issue... • Your drawings • Tame Daleks • Redundant body parts • If the Queen was a termite • Link to a new Sexy Chat (possibly our favourite ever) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- Welcome... ...to the RollZero Electric Letter, the only weekly email which can be shrunk to the size of a flea, swallowed and piloted by remote control through the digestive system, cleaning as it goes. If you're enjoying the Electric Letter, the best way you could show your love is to get a friend (or indeed multiple friends) to sign up. Point them towards the archives and show them the bit at the top of the page where they can put their email address in. It will be the best gift you have ever given them, apart from those crabs that time. Now - on with the words! -------------------------------------------------------------------------- RollZero Latest Things on our website Speed dating Pixelsmith gets into the second part of his speed dating three-parter. He writes: "We'd jot down a couple of notes to remember them by and mark them with a tick or a cross. On the piece of paper, obviously, not on them. That would be a bit harsh." http://www.rollzero.com/pixs-column/235-a-four-minute-date Sexy Chats Q: How much do you weigh? A: About the same as 10 cans of paint. It just gets sillier from there. Possibly our favourite sexy chat of all the ones we've got squirreled away, as Sweat16 drags out some poor fool's cybersex conversation way beyond the point at which most people would give up. http://www.rollzero.com/sexy-chats/270-bag-on-your-head iPhone Games Not very funny but quite nice if you're into iPhones and games on iPhones. A little round up of stuff we've been playing. Tragically darkened by the fact that we dropped our iPhone in a shop changing room over the weekend and smashed its screen. http://www.rollzero.com/videogames/reviews/269-iphone-round-up-1 Geek Adventure Brodos and Pixelsmith arrive in Belgrade at long last, only for Pix to drink far too much and collapse behind the sofa. http://www.rollzero.com/videogames/geek-adventure/265 -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The News with Murphy Simmonds ---- Mussels AN ARMY of killer mussels is getting closer to an attack on Northwest America. Experts say the creatures - believed to be led by a radical crab - may already be infiltrating the nation's electricity and irrigation systems and polluting its drinking water. "These mussels can strip a horse in 20 seconds," said Ruth McAudrey, Professor of Marine Defence at Harvard University. "They are twice as deadly as piranhas, and almost three times as delicious." "My advice to Northwesterners is to avoid any contact with water for the next 10 years. Don't even drink it - you could be swallowing a mussel egg. Two days later an adult mussel will burst out of your stomach and kill you children." America has been placed on Soft Peach Alert in anticipation of the assault. The colour, used only for crustacean attacks, lies between Tuscan Terracotta and Cornfield Blush. More (Yahoo) ---- Daleks TAME Daleks are being used to treat the ill and wounded in hospitals. The robotic death machines have been captured and retrained to undertake a range of healthcare tasks. Many are able to perform complex surgical procedures, like unplugging life support machines, administering lethal doses of morphine and euthanising the elderly. Less obedient Daleks are used for security, pest control and, in some circumstances, liaising with patients' loved ones. "WE. DID. EVERYTHING. WE. COULD. BUT. THE. HUMAN. YOU. CHERISH. REMAINS. ALIVE," one Dalek told a concerned family yesterday. More (Yahoo) ---- Cigarettes SMOKING tobacco is as harmful as smoking tobacco, according to the British Department of Health. New studies have revealed that shisha - a water pipe through which fruit scented tobacco is smoked - is as bad for your health as cigarettes. In a related study, the Dept of Health found that drinking vodka is as bad for you as drinking gin, and that a sharp blow to the head is equally damaging when performed by a hammer, a spanner or a rock. More (BBC) ---- Racists COMEDY racists the British National Party may face legal action for only allowing white members. The Equality and Human Rights Commission has begun legal action against the far right party and its leader Nick Griffin, who looks quite like a potato shitting a wasp. The BNP's constitution limits its members to native British whites, including "the Anglo-Saxon folk community," "the Celtic Scottish folk community," and "the Scots-Northern Irish folk community." Rock, jazz, breakbeat and hip hop communities are strictly forbidden. More (BBC) ---- Appendices THE human appendix might actually do something, claim scientists. The much maligned - and frequently removed - organ is commonly believed to be a historical remnant dating as far back as 40,000BC, before we evolved from birds. But new research suggests the appendix may perform vital biological functions, like interpreting sign language, annoying the liver and producing eggs. The revelation leaves humans with just 10 useless body parts. That list is made up of (location in brackets): Plato's crevice (buttocks) Colonic artichoke (colon) Nipples (male, chest) Neck (beneath head) Hamlets (spine) Popglands (ear canal) Hat (top of head) Beckham's Umbrella (penis) Zordaxxian receiver (brain) Chamber of doom (next to the kidneys) More (Yahoo) -------------------------------------------------------------------------- MS Paint Competition Many moons ago, in a land called 1927, we asked you to draw us something using Microsoft's celebrated art software, Paint. For the unfamiliar, using Paint to do anything whatsoever is akin to using a 12 metre bamboo stick to operate a calculator. That's why we like it. Honourable Mentions This worryingly detailed image of the Statue of Liberty was sent in by Ashley. It's not allowed to win because we worked with him until a couple of months ago when he moved to America to get married. In fact, dear readers, he gets married this very Sunday. Bless him for taking the time to create a terrible rendition of this iconic American sight when he should have been organising his wedding. Ashley Thanks to Blake for this lovely drawing of a camel with a psychological disorder. We laughed on sight upon opening this, but we do tend to do that with every email. It's one of the reasons people avoid us at work. Blake This emotional portrayal of one man's journey from depression to happiness was sent in by Martin. There's a lesson in this picture for all of us. Martin Don't open Milkman's drawing at work because it depicts a huge penis wielding giant being skiied off by a tiny Line Rider man. We have printed this one out and made it into a hat to wear to posh occasions. Milkman The Almost Winner Jonathan, who lives in America (we'll try and get you an invite to Ashley's wedding) delighted us with multiple entries. The last time anyone delighted us with multiple entries, we were on a porn set. Here's one: Jonathan And we like this one the best, because it tells the tale of crazy Dave (who thought we were being serious about the sex dolphin news story back in Electric Letter 11) meeting up with filth-fish Moko and the Somali pirates. It's like a mash-up of a whole Electric Letter, and for that we salute him. More Jonathan The Winner But there can be just one winner, according to some ancient tradition of hierarchical categorisation which we were forced to inherit at birth, and that winner is Nat! Nat's touching depiction of two peanuts enjoying a stroll builds to a dramatic and horrifying climax. The last time our peanuts built to a dramatic and horrifying climax, we were on a porn set. Nat Now to dole out the prizes! Nat writes: "Even though I don't actually OWN an X-box nor do I want a game of Transformers or Ice Age, I did want to have a little go, and in some random way support you boys and your lovely newsletter and so thought, well, f**k it, I'll give it a good ole try." Ah well, we'll have to give them to Jonathan from America. He writes: "If the games are not ones that would work in a proper part of the world, please donate the equivalent amount of gruel to the orphanage that Oliver Twist lives at." Oh dear. Blake. Blake? BLAKE! Do you want two games? -------------------------------------------------------------------------- The Queen A poem by Chad Bradley I wish the Queen of England Was like a queen termite. A hideous pulsating sluglike beast Huge and wobbly and white. You might say it's disgusting But we'd think it was great. We'd instinctively find her attractive And feel the need to mate. The rooms of Buckingham Palace Would contain her blubbery form. And the guys would all go crazy When called up to perform. We'd do our national service Servicing her ovipositor. And then we'd take a basket home And incubate her litter. They'd come from far and wide To impregnate our Queen. The most beautiful giant grub The world had ever seen. Oh I wish the Queen of England Was like a queen termite. A horrific flabby monster That slept with men all night. -------------------------------------------------------------------------- It's Gonna Blow! Get the hell out of there! Something's gone wrong. The petrol silo is spilling fuel all over the fireworks. You've got to move! What? WHAT?! You've dropped the plans? God no, no, you have to go back in. We cannot leave here without the plans, Groznik will kill us. Get back in. Yes. Yes I know. Just put a cloth over your face. No, not your eyes! Watch out for the.... NOOOOOOOO! BLAKE! BLAAAAKE! Do you want two games? Hi reader. If you've got this far, that must mean you like it. So maybe you should tell somebody else you like it and make them like it too. It would make them think you were cool. Get them to sign up at the RollZero website or even, if they want, just get them to send an email to This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it and ask to be added. We'll do that for you, by hand. That's how nice we are. If you want to send us something - links, thoughts, compliments, naked pictures - you can use This e-mail address is being protected from spambots. You need JavaScript enabled to view it too. You can also follow us on Twitter: @chadbrad, @pixelsmith or @gm_wint Or you can amputate us forever: [SUBSCRIPTIONS]
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