RollZero Electric Letter #14

In this issue...

• Cocaine
• The world's most rubbish currencies
• Cheese poetry
• Saudi Arabian morals
• Human tragedy in our competition HQ

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Welcome...

...to the RollZero Electric Letter, the world's most prestigious simulated gemstone. Handcrafted by Swiss jewellers, the Electric Letter is available today for three easy payments of £24.99.

You know what Sandra, I actually bought one of these for my aunt and she was thrilled.

Well that's right Brian, she would be. Just look at the way it catches the light. You'd never know it wasn't the real thing.

Shut up Sandra. I hate you.

I know, Brian. I know.

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RollZero Latest
Things on our website

Speed dating
Never let it be said that we don't lay our hearts on the line for you. Pixelsmith's column has strayed into the horrifically personal world of love. This is the first in a three part dissection of his experience of speed dating (which was initially printed in the paper he works for, hence the bit where that gets mentioned).
http://www.rollzero.com/pixs-column/234-speed-dating

Angry Tech
"It's easy to laugh at the people of the past. They were all so stupid back then, rolling about in the mud, worshipping cats and going to war over salt. Do you know that before 1900 they didn't have Nintendo Gameboys? Not even the basic Russian style one. What a load of massive idiots - no wonder they're all dead."

Written on an unusually productive Friday, this installment of Murphy Simmonds' deliberately useless guide to gadgets is all about a watch with a phone on it.
http://www.rollzero.com/the-shed/264-a-bloody-watch-phone

A Review of a Videogame!
"Take one feminine manboy with unusual battle prowess, add a caring posh girl who's not seen much of the world but does magic, throw in a pet with combat use and a guy with a massive axe, then send them all on an adventure."

Tales of Vesperia, played and reviewed and writen about in a fashion which is probably not very interesting unless you have specifically been thinking about playing Tales of Vesperia. http://www.rollzero.com/videogames/reviews/263-tales-of-vesperia

Sexy Chats
There'll be a new one this week for sure, now we've got Windows and all its bits working again. Hurrah! Check the site on Thursday.

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The News
with Murphy Simmonds

Come with me, my love, as we huddle together inside the warm embrace of news. Yes, reader, I am Murphy Simmonds, your guide to current events on this crazy planet we call Earthworld.

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C-Dust

US finance officials are buoyant after news that the cocaine industry continues to thrive despite the recession.

A new study has found that 95 per cent of all $20 banknotes in Washington show traces of the drug, indicating a thriving national market.

"I absolutely love the c-dust, I always have," said United States Secretary of the Treasury Colin McGary. "And it looks like I'm not alone.

"In these depressing times, nothing takes your mind off your bank balance better than a gram of delicious, nutritious California cornflakes. I'll often get chalked up at lunch, and also at teatime and for breakfast.

"But friskie powder is not just a wonderful drug with a thrilling and fantastic effect. It's also a vital part of our economy.

"So my message to the people of America is to keep sucking up that bubble gum. Your local dealer is feeling the pinch too, and he's got 12 bitches to feed."

More (BBC)

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Wolflord

Scenic tours of North Korea are to be re-opened for business after political tensions called them to a halt late last year.

Visitors will now be able to travel from South Korea into the insane nation's beautiful Diamond Mountain resort. The holiday haven has no gravity and is accessed by unicorn.

The move is the latest in a series of small signals that the nation's Supreme Admiral Wolflord Kim Jong-il is loosening his tight grip on the country's people and security.

The 947-year-old leader, who speaks in clicks and likes to eat children, has recently repealed the law preventing his citizens from drinking water and decriminalised the ownership of dragons.

RollZero's Seoul correspondent tried to contact Jong-il for comment but was tragically shot to death.

More (Yahoo)

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Toumaniantz

A BELGIAN girl is pretending she fell asleep while 56 stars were tattooed on her face now that her dad has found out.

Kimberley Vlaeminck, 18, claims she only asked Romanian tattoo artist Rouslan Toumaniantz to draw three stars near her eye. But, she says, she became too relaxed while he stabbed needles full of ink into her cheeks and forehead, and drifted off.

"It is horrible," said the teenager, despite it definitely being her fault.

More (BBC)

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Shoes

A DISGUSTING sexual beast may be cured of his filthy existence by the sweet and justified embrace of public death.

Mazen Abdul-Jawad, 32, has been arrested for describing a series of horrendously shocking and pornographic acts on the precious television airwaves of Saudi Arabia.

The gutter-dwelling degenerate detailed how he would "kiss a woman on the forehead" before asking her to remove her shoes. He went on to explain how he liked to lure unsuspecting females into his foul lair by offering to show them explicit films.

Police raided his apartment following his arrest and discovered more than 20 illicit Hollywood videos, many of which featured uncovered female faces. Titles included "Pretty Woman" and "Steel Magnolias".

Abdul-Jawad's vile broadcast is said to have regressed the morals of Saudi Arabia by almost 30 years. May he burn in torment for eternity.

More (Yahoo)

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Guff

Nearly two thirds of Twitter messages are not pointless babble, according to a generous new report.

The study, which is destined to be broadcast more than 1 million times on Twitter, captured 2,000 messages over a fortnight and broke them down into six categories. An incredibly small 40 per cent were deemed to be "pointless babble".

The remainder were broken down into rubbish, nonsense, rambling, waffle and guff.

More (BBC)

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The Moldovan Crunk

Zimbabwe now has the highest number of trillionaries per person in the world, at a cash-tastic rate of 1:1.

It's all thanks to the Zimbabwe Dollar. The fun currency has been tumbling in value since the country stopped working in 1982.

Now the "Zimdollar" is at an all time low, with cheap items like bus tickets costing 3 trillion or more.

It's fantastic news for normal Zimbabweans, who can now join the "Trillionaires' Club" and rank themselves among the world's financial elite.

Zimbabwe Dollars aren't the only worthless currency in the world. Here's our handy guide to some of the others - why not cut it out of your monitor and carry it round in your mouth?

Horse Feet (France)
Beads (Mexico)
Babies (China)
Wood Chips (Congo)
Pre-June 2009 Computer Processors (Japan)
Moon Rock (The Moon)
Grebulous Frunges (Iceland)
The Moldovan Crunk (Moldova)
Dollars (Australia)

More (Yahoo)


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Competition

Your entries for the amazing RollZero MS Paint contest, in which we asked you to draw something rubbish that would make us laugh, are now all in and being counted by our team of crack MS Paint drawing counters. These people counted MS Paint drawings for Barack Obama. They don't make mistakes. They make Presidents.

Tragically they have all been killed in a fire, meaning the results and highlights will be appearing in next week's Electric Letter.

A huge thank you to everyone that entered. It warmed our tainted hearts and made us chuckle quietly to ourselves in the office we work at during the day.

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Three Cheeses
A poem by Chad Bradley

I've got three types of cheese in my cheesebox,
Three types of cheese in my fridge.
The cheesebox is inside the fridge,
As you shouldn't store cheese directly in the fridge.

Cheese needs a special environment
To mature to a proper flavour.
But it is also a perishable item,
And so it's important to store it correctly.

That's why I have a cheesebox,
Which allows cheese to be kept in the fridge,
Using a special ventilation system,
Which gives the cheese room to breathe.

So, as I was saying,

I've got three types of cheese in my cheesebox,
Three types of cheese in my fridge.
Cheddar is one,
Blue Stliton is another,
And the third type is Cornish Yarg.

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The Back Door

Take a look at this door. It's at the back of the house. We use it to access the yard, which in turn we use to access the road behind the yard. Take a really good look at the door. It's rectangular, wooden and painted white. Gaze at the door as we indicate it to you with our hand.

What's happening?

That's right - we're showing you the door. Get out.

Want to interact somehow with RollZero? You should, it's a nice feeling and it's more than 400% safe. Send us a link, or some random nonsense that might cause us to laugh, or just say hello: contact at rollzero dot com

Follow us on Twitter: @chadbrad, @pixelsmith or @gm_wint