RollZero Electric Letter #12

In this issue...

• Chad Bradley's NES hat
• Capital crimes rundown
• How to make Haggis
• Moral outrage caused by our story about a dolphin

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Welcome...

...to the RollZero Electric Letter, the only email that pays each of its readers £900,000 in cash every single week.

Where's yours, you ask? Why it's in your shoe, silly! Found it? Good. Now spend it on something nice, like a yacht.

Did you know that it takes us at least three attempts to spell yacht? We just found that out. You learn something new every day about the word "yacht".

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RollZero Latest

Filth
Our silly cybersex adventures as Sweat16 continue with this:
[forever59] ý m 24 m turkey
[Sweat16] I've never spoken to a 24 metre turkey before.
[Sweat16] What's it like?
[forever59] not 24 metre ý m male
[Sweat16] Oh, I'm sorry.
[Sweat16] So how's life as a male turkey
[forever59] super
Read on: http://www.rollzero.com/sexy-chats/260-i-bung


Nudity
Men behave in strange ways in changing rooms. Is it alright to strike up a conversation about the council when you're fully naked? Pix bumps into someone who's certain it is.
http://www.rollzero.com/pixs-column/232-a-wobbling-naked-man


Cheap phones
Not the most exciting edition of Murphy Simmonds' tech musings, but frankly we'd read anything he wrote because... well, because he's one of our split personalities.
http://www.rollzero.com/the-shed/247-p5-phone-contract


Geek Adventure
The nerd holiday returns after a slight holiday of its own. As Brodos and Pix ride deeper into the Balkans, their lack of food and water begins to take its toll.
http://www.rollzero.com/videogames/geek-adventure/261


Insect Man
Last week's Electric Letter if you missed it.
http://www.rollzero.com/electric-letter/259-electric-letter-11

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The News
with Murphy Simmonds

What's happening? What the hell is happening? That's right - news.

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Brustice

BRITISH justice used to be absolutely mental, it turns out.

Trial records from Victorian England have been released by the National Archives, revealing some 200 crimes which carried the death sentence in 1815.

Stealing a cow, cutting down trees and spending a month with some gipsies all counted as capital crimes. And we haven't even made those up.

Today, of course, there are more than 2,000 felonies which could earn you a place in the hangman's noose. These include:

• Frowning at a stamp
• Swearing in French
• Singing the National Anthem out of time
• Singing the National Anthem out of tune
• Not singing the National Anthem
• Driving with your mouth
• Calling a BBC newsreader by his or her first name
• Sexy dancing
• Skipping without a licence
• Snacking
• Yodelling
• Queue jumping
• Feeding cocaine to a dog
• Looking stupid
• Failing to own a tie

More (BBC)

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Trompson

A WOMAN who cannot get a job is suing a college for failing to correct all the things that are wrong with her.

Trina Thompson, 27, hopes to recover $70,000 invested in an information technology degree at Monroe College in New York.

Thompson, who speaks only in Swahili and boasts a tattoo of Hitler on her forehead, has been unable to find employment since graduating.

A college spokesman said: "Our tuition is not at fault. We believe Ms Thompson has not been able to find a job because she drinks gin all day and carries her poo round in a plastic bag."

Ms Thompson was contacted for comment but could not be understood.

More (BBC)

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Spinjuries

GET fat or break your legs - the stark choice facing American schoolchildren, according to a new study.

The report claims that injuries sustained by pupils participating in sports classes rose by 150 per cent between 1997 and 2007.

Critics have accused educators of "playing a sick game of pinball" with students' soft heads.

Minnesota teen Gary McFrank, 16, hasn't done any exercise since 2007. He says he has been psychologically scarred after witnessing years of horrific injuries to classmates.

"This one time we were playing basketball," he said. "Kevin McBoris jumped up for a slam dunk and landed in a tiger's mouth.

"Baseball practice was no better. Toby McGraham swung his bat too hard and it flew out of his hands and went right through the pitcher's neck.

"I remember Nancy McNora cartwheeling out the window. She fell 35 floors.

"Nopadon McWongpakdee didn't last long either. We were hurdling, but somebody had swapped one of the hurdles for an industrial paper cutter. He was chopped in two.

"Soong McShiung-Wu didn't go quietly either. I was playing her at chess when she inhaled three pawns by mistake and coughed herself to death.

"And please don't remind me about Kamaljit McChattopadhyay. The less said about her the better. I just hope her parents found some closure when they buried what was left of her flesh."

Gary now plans to spend the rest of his life indoors. He currently has 145,000 Xbox Live Achievement Points.

More (Yahoo)

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Sirates

SOMALI pirates are continuing to take the world by storm, after netting a new ransom of $2.7m from a German ship.

It's the latest in a sensational series of nautical escapades for the popular criminals, who are credited with "bringing pirating into the 21st century".

Pirates first became popular in the Middle Ages, when gangs of thieves would ride around on big ships robbing each other. Many carried parrots or had wooden legs.

But the practice became increasingly unfashionable over time, eventually dying out around 150 years ago. The last reported incident is in 1854, when two Spaniards illegally boarded an Italian fishing boat and stole a squid.

Since then, the seas have been safe. But the Somali pirates have changed all that. Industry analysts say their meteoric rise to fame is no surprise.

"These guys don't wear eye patches," said Susie Jacks, a reporter for MTV News. "Unless they have a legitimate eye injury.

"They approach ships in a small motorised boat, board, threaten to shoot everyone then make off with some ransom money.

"It's fantastic."

More (Yahoo)

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Scaggis

THE iconic Scottish dish Haggis may have originated in England, according to a historian.

A recipe for the celebrated foodstuff has been found in a 1616 book called "The English Hus-Wife" (translated: "The English Whore-Bride").

The claim has angered Scots, who generally do not need a reason to get angry and should definitely not be given one.

Haggis is Scotland's national dish and is eaten by all of the country's indigenous people at least twice a day.

It is made by mashing the gall bladders, testicles and throats of horses together with a mix of crushed owl beaks and wolf hair. The mixture is then forced into a whale artery and boiled until it turns grey.

The 1616 English version sticks closely to this formula - its only addition is thieves' hands, which have been fried and diced.

More (BBC)


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Moral Outrage

Last week's Electric Letter told of a sex obsessed dolphin which trapped a female swimmer in the water for its own sick pleasure. Here's a link to our report on the "Dolfiend" (it's down near the bottom): http://www.rollzero.com/electric-letter/259-electric-letter-11

It made Dave angry. He left this comment.

'Regarding your letter "Dolfiend". Gee I don't know where you got all that krap from. Firstly Moko has a few scratches-all dolphins do. Having swum with him for over 9 hours in the last 18 months he just wants to have fun. Sure he can get a bit boisterious at times -especially in winter when he does not get much attention. The woman swimmer you talked about made a few mistakes - not the dolphin. Would it be true to say you have a fixation about sex. Well the dolphin does not- at best he makes up to a marker bouy. Maybe if you did some research you might actually put together a factual story. Dave.'

We don't know what to make of this. How did Dave come to read the Electric Letter? How did Dave reach his conclusions? Should we tell Dave it's a joke or should we leave Dave alone? Dave's probably a nice man. Dave even wrote "krap" with a k to minimise offence. We don't want Dave to be sad.

Then again, do we really want to be shedding a tear for this dolphin sex crime apologist? No! Screw you Dave! Screw you and your filthy fish friend.

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NES Hat
A poem by Chad Bradley

I'm at the supermarket
Buying some bread,
A lovely lady turns to me
And stares at my head.

She's checking out my NES hat,
NES hat.

I'm hanging at the bar
Cruising the place,
A lovely lady turns to me
And points at my face.

She's checking out my NES hat,
Oh yeah,
The ladies love my NES hat,
Ooh yeah.

NES hat,
A hat that's a NES.
Nintendo Entertainment System
Glued to a fez.
Mario 3
Inside the slot.
Strapped to my chin
So it doesn't fall off.

I'm in my garden
Eating some ants,
An ant looks at me
And I start to dance.

It's my NES hat,
Hat that's a NES.
Nintendo Entertainment System
Makes me hes
Itate when eating ants.
Tells me it's not right
But they're nicer than plants
So I eat them all night.

NES hat!

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Mmm... is that toast?

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