RollZero Electric Letter #11 - July 28, 2009


Eleven. Number of Kings. Integer of Princes. Numeral of Czars. Two ones written one after the other, but with the actual value of eleven ones. Who invented that? We take all eleven of our hats off to them.

Thank you to everyone who got a friend to sign up for the magical Electric Letter in celebration of our tenth birthday last week. We put all of our hats back on and them take one off to each of you.

Sadly that still leaves us wearing one hat.

If you're liking the Letter, spread the word. It makes us feel special and wanted. And faintly* aroused.

And welcome to anybody who signed up because a friend (their closest and greatest friend, we like to think) pointed them in our direction. We hope you like it. It's all underneath this writing, in a handy scrollable layout that an internet brain scientist once told us is nice and easy on the eye.

Always thinking of you, we are. More than can be said for all the rest of your emails from your "friends" and "colleagues" and other "sites". We feel grubby just sitting in the same inbox.

Read on for: Things on our website!
Semi-made up news!
Incredible poetry!
The bit at the end!





*strongly

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RollZero Latest


ALL NEW - SEXY CHATS!!
So new and exciting it merits being announced entirely in capitals with two exclamation marks. Here's what RollZero's patented Sexy Chats are, according to the thing we wrote on the site to explain them:
"Remember cybersex? It was all the rage back in the early days of the internet, when jpegs took two minutes to download. Incredibly, it's still going on. So we gritted our teeth and ventured in with the name Sweat16 to see how much ridiculousness people will put up with when their pants are round their ankles. Spoiler: quite a lot.
These conversations are completely genuine and shouldn't be read by children or people who have yet to be corrupted by the internet."
Here's the first of many:
http://www.rollzero.com/sexy-chats/258-bend-your-forehead

Pixelsmith
Pixelsmith officially admits to some kind of driving-related crime in this tale of how his sandwich collapsed and he crashed into a hole in the road. Includes: Cars! Action! Food!
http://www.rollzero.com/pixs-column/230-a-mild-car-crash

World of Warcraft
Ever wondered what people working for Blizzard's in-game help department do to keep themselves entertained? Flinging cheating players across the game map, that's an option. Our pet GM tells all.
http://www.rollzero.com/videogames/gm-wint/256-game-set-and-match

Electric Letter
Last week's Electric Letter sent directly to your spam folder? This one probably will be too, in that case. It's not nice in here amongst the scams and porn mails. Let us out! Here's a link to Electric Letter #10 as an incentive.
http://www.rollzero.com/electric-letter/257-electric-letter-10

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The News
with Murphy Simmonds

Facts. Events. Drama. Fashion. You're reading The News, with Murphy Simmonds. Featuring facts, events, drama and - for the first time ever - fashion*.

*not featuring fashion.

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Porn Mormon

A WOMAN has been heavily told off for repeatedly getting married while already married.

Emily Horne, 30, has been given a suspended prison sentence for her fourth count of bigamy in a decade. Before being a professional multiwife, she worked as an adult film star in the UK.

A spokesman for the British Union of Mature Films and Adult Certified Entertainment (BUMFACE) said: "You can see from the footage outside court that she's really let herself go.

"Mind you, standards were pretty low back then. Before the internet, you couldn't get an English girl to take her knickers off on film for less than a grand.

"These days they'll do it for a Twix."

Horne is best known for her role as the girl at the third bus stop in Barry's Bus Stop Boob Adventure 3. She also starred in Backyard Butler, Fadge n Chips, Stop It Immediately: London, and My Wife's Got No Clothes On Again 14.

More (BBC)

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Palin Out

THE existence of Sarah Palin was not a dream, according to new reports which claim the 45-year-old has formally stepped down from politics.

The former beauty queen addressed crowds on Sunday to officially resign as "Superprincess of Alaska", a pretend position at the head of an American state generally believed to be fictional.

Palin, who has nine children and is an idiot, attracted widespread media attention when she tried to become US vice-president last year. Commentators have since written off the whole incident as "a terrifying, preposterous nightmare", but Sunday's resignation speech casts doubts upon the theory.

Stepping down, Palin told onlookers: "It has been without a doubt the most enjoyable - and when I say enjoyable, I mean in the way a mother deer might enjoy cherishing her loved ones in the winter - enjoyable, truly enjoyable and inspiring also, inspirational.

"You know, when I look into my son's eyes over breakfast - don't stand in the way of his waffles, oh no ma'am - I see something which reminds me that a fighter does not sit down, or stand up, but a fighter backs away and assesses the situation in its entirety, for Alaska, and for all of you, but most of all for my family..."

This went on for several hours.

More (Yahoo)

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Pi-banned-os

WORLD War Three has come a step closer with the news that a Japanese chief executive has pleaded guilty to providing North Korea with 34 illegal pianos.

Prosecutors say the trading company head should be jailed for three years over the incident, which also involved four cars, two trucks, 19 pints of semi-skimmed milk, a risqué cartoon and a SEGA Mega Drive.

North Korea's unfathomably insane Chief Warlock Kim Jong-il, who lives in a basement and is allergic to salt, claims the pianos will definitely not be packed with uranium and catapulted into South Korea.

He was unavailable for comment at the time of going to print due to being asleep in his coffin.

More (Reuters)

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Credit Crunchies

NOT fat enough? Don't worry, the global financial meltdown is here to help.

For years, snack food manufacturers have been stealthily reducing the size of their products in an attempt to boost profit levels.

"They're not getting smaller - you're just getting bigger," claimed chocogiant Cadburys after accusations that Creme Eggs were shrinking, unaware that the argument only works on children.

But the recession means demand for many of the essential components of snacks (lard, bones, paint) has plummeted. Cheaper ingredients, combined with a depressed and unemployed populace, means bigger bags of crisps.

"All the better to catch the tears," said a spokesman for Doritos.

More (Yahoo)

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Dolfiend

AN EVIL dolphin has escaped jail after imprisoning a human woman in the sea as part of a sick sex ritual.

Pervert Moko, three, lured the woman into the water from the coast of Mahia Beach in New Zealand in a chilling bid to fuel his disgusting games.

The bottlenose beast, whose body is scarred and disfigured after years of fighting with boats, acted out his vile play fantasies and then stopped his victim from returning to land.

The woman was rescued by rowers, who dragged her exhausted and freezing from the water.

Moko has also been seen watching semi-naked children and eating live fish.

More (BBC)


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Insect Man
A poem by Chad Bradley

I dreamed one day that I had twelve legs.
Scurried to the doctor to ask what was wrong.
While I was waiting I started laying eggs.
The receptionist broke into song.

She went: "Oh la la la la la la la,
Oh la la la la la la la,
Oh la la la la la,
Insect man."

I noticed a feeling in my thorax,
A tingle in my antennae.
I treated it with a spot of storax
Which is a fragrant, solid resin obtained from a small East Mediterranean tree.

The storax sang: "Oh la la la la la la la,
Oh la la la la la la la,
Oh la la la la la,
Insect man."

I calmed the rapid beating of my hearts,
Spun myself a beautiful cocoon,
Morphed, broke through and flexed my mouthparts
Then flew off towards the Moon.

And I sang: "Oh la la la la la la la,
Oh la la la la la la la la la,
Oh la la la la la,
Insect man.

Insect maaaaaan..."

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What Are You Doing?

More specifically, what are you doing with your hands in our rucksack? No, that's not a metaphor. Get your actual hands out of our literal rucksack. There's a PSP in there, you bloody thief.

Yes, that's right, we called you a bloody thief. We don't mince words with criminals. We mince crimes.

Want to interact somehow with RollZero? You should, it's a nice feeling and it's now almost 73% completely safe. Send us a link, or some random nonsense that might cause us to laugh, or just say hello: contact at rollzero dot com

Follow us on Twitter: @chadbrad, @pixelsmith or @gm_wint