Electric Letter #10
Electric Letter
Written by Pixelsmith   
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RollZero Electric Letter #10 - July 21, 2009

We're 10! That's exciting. The last time we were 10, we were actually 10. This time we've got loads of extra wisdom - wisdom that we're going to pass on to you free of charge.

First up, we'd like all of you to give us a special birthday present. Think of somebody who'd like the Electric Letter, and make them sign up. Force them if you have to, using violence and threats. It would be the nicest thing you could do for us. And in return:


(1) Never put both of your hands inside a lion.
(2) Too many cooks make light work of your face.
(3) Neither a burrower nor a lander be.
(4) Men and women are both from Earth but have differences.
(5) Seek immediate medical attention.
(6) Your mouth contains more germs than the whole of France.
(7) No means no.
(8) For success with the opposite sex, wear felt gloves.
(9) The letter Q originated in Mexico.
(10) 10,000 spoons when all you need is a knife is only half as ironic as 10,000 sporks.

End of wisdom


The News
with Murphy Simmonds

What is news? And how do we calculate it? Hi, I'm Murphy Simmonds and I'm here to answer that question and more.

We can work out how much news an event contains with the following equation:

Severity of event x number of people affected = news volume.

For example, 4 million people being simultaneously being bitten by fleas is a minor event affecting a large number. But one person turning into a flea is a severe event affecting a small number. Thus, in news terms, the events are equal.

You will of course be pleased to know that neither of them have happened. But some things have happened, as we can see below:

What's the biggest rock in the whole world? That's right - the Moon.
40 years ago, two brave men and their dog stepped inside a spaceship and flew all the way to the Moon. When Lance Armstrong, Buzz Lightyear and Shep returned to Earth, they were international heroes. Women slept with them for no good reason. Even Shep.
A lot has happened since then. Nowadays we all live on the Moon, trapped inside these infernal atmos-pods with only the ability to jump stupidly long distances to keep us entertained. Pop round for a lunch pill if you fancy - we're in Container HF22 in Block 51771P.
In a departure from normal linking policy, here's something we actually read that we really liked. It's off of The Times and it's about the Moon.
This thing

A new world's oldest man has been unveiled after the previous world's oldest man formally surrendered his title.
Walter Breuning, who is 112 and lives in America, was given the award after Henry Allingham, who is 113 and lives in England, said he no longer wanted it.
"It's a burden, to be honest," said Mr Allingham. "It got to the point where I could barely eat my morning grapefruit without seeing coloured polygons in the moat."
Mr Allingham lost his mind in 2004.
Full story

Hitler's terrifying secret army of tiny warriors has been discovered in the town of Germany.
The unit of identical garden gnomes - each chillingly performing a Nazi salute - was spotted by a schoolchild riding his bike through a churchyard. The creatures were pouring through a portal in Hitler's gravestone.
German authorities have since captured the gnomes and cast Hitler's grave into space.

High street bookshop chain Barnes & Noble is to open an innovative new business using the power of technology.
The retail giant plans to create an "electronic bookstore", offering up to one million titles to home customers over a worldwide computer network.
The shop will act like a "virtualised" version of the company's traditional brick and mortar shops, and will feature pictures of the books' covers and pricing information. Users will be able to buy products using a coded sequence of numbers connected to their bank.
President of Barnes & Noble, Frank Channing, has revealed that he came up with the idea after watching The Matrix.
"We'll be asking our loyal customers to 'take the red pill' when the electrostore switches on later this year," he said.

An R&B star's rising career could be tragically cut short simply because he beat up his girlfriend.
Chris Brown, who primarily sings songs about getting busy with a selection of shorties, has formally apologised for hitting fellow R&B star Rihanna.
The pair were dating at the time, which according to US law means he was allowed to punch her if she was being annoying.
Chris Brown's online fan club can be joined for the low price of $24.99, and features exclusive domestic abuse desktop wallpapers and instructional videos on how to knock out a girl with your hands and head.
EXTRA: Good God, there's a whole forum of Chris Brown fan fiction.
Full story


RollZero Latest

Inexperience with gas appliances leads to potential death in this thrilling placid real life tale of broken fires and carbon monoxide.

Murphy Simmonds
Nokia is inventing a charger which harvests electricity from the air. On the plus side, that means we might be able to ditch some of these wires trailing across our lounge. On the minus side, it means there's electricity lurking in the air. Freakish.

Geek Adventure
The 11 hour, sustenance-free train ride to Serbia becomes harder to bear as our travellers' stocks of reindeer meat and licorice fail to keep their spirits up.


One Thousand Mallards
A poem by Chad Bradley

I'd climb the highest mountain,
I'd swim the deepest sea,
I'd crawl across the desert,
Just to be with me.

I'd sink the largest trawler,
I'd fire the loudest gun,
I'd kick my way through glassware,
Cause baby I'm the one.

Uh yeah that's right.
Say it baby,
Chad Bradley.

I'd cook the hardest salad,
I'd resurrect the dead,
I'd fight one thousand mallards,
For a night in my bed.

My touch is like an arrow,
Poison-tipped with love.
My body's hard as iron,
My brain's like Kasparov

's brain.

Yeah honey you know it.
Scream my name,
Chad Bradley.

[repeat to fade]


Ear Cake

We tried to explain the kind of music we like to someone recently. "Anything with a dirty electro bassline," we said. They looked confused. "You know, stuff that sounds like it was created by sexy French robots." Still didn't work.

If only we'd had the Electric Letter to hand, plus a broadband internet connection and some reasonably good speakers. We usually carry a pair strapped to our knees but we left them at home because it was raining.

Deadmau5 - Ghosts n Stuff

Ratatat - Loud Pipes

Chromeo - Bonafied Lovin (Yuksek Remix)


Don't forget

It's our pretend birthday and we will be incredibly upset if you don't get a friend (preferably a nice one) to sign up to the RollZero Electric Letter as a present. We'll cry, smash the cake and wee on the sofa, and you'll be the ones who have to clear it up.

Don't make us cry.

Send us a link, some random nonsense that might cause us to laugh, or just say hello: contact at rollzero dot com
Follow us on Twitter: @chadbrad, @pixelsmith or @gm_wint

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