| Electric Letter #3 |
| Electric Letter | |||
| Written by Pixelsmith | |||
Like this? Get it delivered directly to your inbox - which means you get extra bonus stuff like competition an ting - by popping your email address in the little box up there at the top of the page.RollZero Electric Letter #3 - May 19, 2009 Hello and welcome to the RollZero Electric Letter, the weekly email that is literally your wife, even if you're a lady. And to be quite frank with you, darling, we're not happy with the amount of time you've been spending with that hussy from the flat downstairs. We've seen the way she looks at you, and the provocative way she dresses. There's no way that's appropriate for a woman of 78. But jealousy doesn't look good on us. Know what does? Links. Lovely blue hyperlinks to bring out the colour in our teeth. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Links from RollZero One of our favourite ever Chad Bradley letters, this. He wrote to Ginsters, a company which prides itself on making consistently terrible triangular sandwiches to sell to tired and depressed people in garages and motorway service stations, asking for a job as a Chief Executive or Sandwich Creative. His ideas, detailed in the application letter, could turn the sandwich industry on its head (which would be fine because sandwiches have got bread on both sides). http://www.rollzero.com/chads-letters/189-a-job-application Pixelsmith (who is both attractive and tall) gets so bored in his column thing that he ended up trying to clean the oven. It's not for the faint hearted, as it turns out, thanks largely to a can of cleaning product which could probably take out a small town if it fell into terrorist hands. http://www.rollzero.com/pixs-column/195-oven-cleaner-is-evil We got a bit bored of reviewing great games, so we decided to try and review a really rubbish one for a change on the basis that it might be more fun. The game's called Secret Service, and it turned out we were wrong - those precious minutes of enjoyment gained from slagging it off were paid for ten times over with the time it took to actually play the bloody thing. http://www.rollzero.com/videogames/reviews/198-secret-service You can always go and read the Electric Letter #2 again if you want. Why not take a moment to admire the grey borders on either side of the text. We rejected three other shades of grey before settling on that one. That's how much we care about you. http://www.rollzero.com/pixs-column/203-electric-letter-2 ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Relax A poem by Chad Bradley Do not fear my big squiggly arms, They will not hurt you. Don’t cry, for my odd-shaped mouth Will bring you no harm. Be at ease with my brown glass wheels, They are deceptively stable. Go not mental at my great hairy arse, It is here to help. ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Links from the Worldmatrix Flickr globe We're still waiting for the future to happen in the way we were promised it would. It's all very well having the kind of technology at our fingertips that would make Buck Rogers blush, but where's the fun when our means of controlling it is just a load of words and clicking. Where are the space helmets and the whooshing noises, eh? At least there's a weird 3D globe thing that you can use to navigate Flickr. We typed in "bra" and lost whole four days. http://taggalaxy.de/ The French On the subject of bras, or rather the lack of them, we recently watched some women walking through Paris without any clothes on. Which wouldn't be much to shout, what with this being the internet, about were it not for the fact that it's the music video of some awesome French electronic outfit that we'd never heard of before. They're called Make the Girls Dance (songs here) and the track's called Baby Baby Baby. It's (technically) PG rated thanks to some artfully placed black boxes. Still, probably best not to watch it work. http://www.dailymotion.com/video/x99 Mouth bongos On the subject of bras, we recently watched a video of someone who probably wears a bra doing some beatboxing in a car. Beatboxing, if you've never heard of it because you live in 1725, is what it's called when you do drums with your face. We've always had a soft spot for it, which is why we're also linking a beatboxing Japanese person who's even better. Girl: http://www.break.com/index/cute Boy: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ZsML4uWoiw Misplaced veg On the subject of bras, or rather potatoes up the bum, here's a thing about a vicar who got a potato up his bum. It's perfect for people on the internet, who like looking at things for a very small amount of time. http://failblog.org/2008/12/01/vicar-fail/ Funny man We'll stop the bra joke now. It's not even technically a joke. But one thing that is technically a joke (that was an amazing segway) is a funny tale told by a man called Louis CK. You might not have heard of him, in which case we're doing you a massive favour by telling you that he's very funny indeed. Or you might have heard of him, in which case you hate us so much right now for delivering old news that you wouldn't even throw us into a bin and roll us down a big hill if we handed you £20 and told you we liked it. Louis CK on technology and stuff Louis CK on a weird sex request ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Get out You heard. We don't want to see your stupid symmetrical face any more. Get out. Just get the hell out. And get your eyes fixed while you're at it, they're too wide apart. Send us a link, or say hello: RollZero Email Follow us on Twitter: @chadbrad, @pixelsmith or @gm_wint ---------------------------------------------------------------------------- Lastly We liked Squirrelking's fan fiction so much that we joined fanfiction.net and sent him an email offering him $5 a time to write us some new stories. Amazingly, he actually replied, writing the following: "sure how many would you want? what would you want them to be about?" That upset us. Squirrelking's English seemed to have improved to a worrying degree since he penned his great works three years ago. Still, we told him he could write about anything he wanted, to which he replied: "whats your site going to be like", at which point we told a small lie and sort of pretended it didn't exist yet so that he doesn't read the last two Electric Letters where we slag him off. We've heard nothing more since then. We're a little crestfallen, but rest assured we are doing our best to bring you some brand new and genuine Squirrelking originals.
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