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Hello and welcome to RollZero, the only weekly email that comes with a free sample of swine flu. Simply lick the screen or inhale some of the text to become a part of the most exciting news phenomenon since the credit crunch! Here are some handy things to help you pass the time as you lie in bed surrounded by people in biohazard suits.

Stuff on RollZero

Chad Bradley wondered if Norwich Union would believe his strange-named friend Frangelo Bumspaq was real. They did, and what's more they offered Frangelo some death insurance. But he needed to know more - specifically, was he covered for being eaten alive by ants?
http://www.rollzero.com/chads-letters/187-death-by-ants

I've got a tiny little local newspaper column, which contains 50% fewer jokes than anything else ever because I'm not allowed to be rude. But hey, if middle-aged women like it, then you might too! Part two of my experience of Tesco Online, in which a misclick lands me with half a kilo of fresh ginger.
http://www.rollzero.com/pixs-column/194-the-shopping-arrives

For anybody who's been following the incredibly nerdy pan-European adventure, this week's segment sees my geek pal Brodos and me frittering away valuable time in Sweden playing Bejeweled.
http://www.rollzero.com/videogames/geek-adventure/178-bejeweled-digital-crack

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Chad Bradley's News View

"I'm not at all happy about this spine flu that's been going around. We had enough trouble with that bird flu when they killed the Korean man who had sex with all those chickens. Now the news says we might end up with our spines falling out, and frankly I've had enough. They never made this sort of fuss when the plague was around, they just got on with it - grew a few massive black lumps on their armpits and keeled over in a dignified fashion. Seems that's too much trouble for people these days."

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Things on the International Cybernet

Right nice video
As swine flu embarks on its inevitable destruction of all human life, we can't help thinking it's a shame. Yes, we might have spent the majority of our existence killing and breaking things, but in some ways it's all been rather beautiful. You'll see what we mean if you watch this video, pieced together from old photos of New York.
http://vimeo.com/3186143

Advert cock-ups
If that hasn't cheered you up enough, permit us to introduce you to one of our favourite funny blogs. Photoshop Disasters is an archive of dodgy picture manipulation which somehow leapfrogged the quality control stage and made it into the public domain. Stuff like this inappropriate desk advert, a restaurant on a world with two suns and an eyedrop model with half an arm.
http://photoshopdisasters.blogspot.com/

Butchered English
Fan fiction has blossomed on the internet. Back in the 1980s, if you wanted Mario to sleep with Bowser or aliens to invade Murder She Wrote, your only option was to tell your friends about the idea or keep it inside your sick head, where it actually belonged. The web has changed all that. Which is how the incredible Halflife: Fulllife Consequences came to be, courtesy of fledgling author Squirrelking - and how somebody decided to turn it, warts and all, into a riveting mini movie.

The video:http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OHxyZaZlaOs
The original screenplay: http://bit.ly/og0Mm

SUPER BONUS: Thanks to an exclusive distribution deal, we've gained the rights to reprint Squirrelking's epic Halo: Halos in Space 2: Aliens Attack in full at the end of this week's email. By which we mean we stole it.

Some music
We've always loved Aphex Twin, the insane-faced electronic music pioneer who put a microphone in a blender at a club night because we thought it was funny. But we never knew how well the chirpy plinks and epileptic plonks of his tune Flim would translate to live jazz music until we saw this version by The Bad Plus.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sX_Iij8Eyts

Stupid terms and conditions
Take one copy of iTunes. Split it in half. Apparently, the resulting explosion can take out half a city.
http://failblog.org/2009/04/30/itunes-fail/

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End Stuff

We're out of here for another week. This email's been quite the emotional rollercoaster ride, what with us testing out a new layout and writing slightly longer sentences. Seems like ages since we started. Remember that time we made the joke about swine flu? That was fun.

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Follow us on Twitter: @chadbrad, @pixelsmith or @gm_wint

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And finally

Halo: Halos in Space 2: Aliens attack - by Squirrelking (http://bit.ly/dTsJJ)

Joe Chief bended his leg and his other legs and lookd at big wepon and tear droped down his eyes and said “alien you shoot at my human people and kill and shoot at them! No more or else!” then Joe Chief grabed the wepon on his back and standed up.

All every where aliens was shooting and making booms on human people around the Halo place. “No over there no over there!” a human guy said to another human guy becaus alien things are going to them. “No we die soon!” the other human guy said back to the other human guy after. “No you dont die soon!” Joe Chief yelt back to the human guys. “Yes we do!” human guys shout back. “No look” Joe Chief said then BOOM BOOM BOOM BOOM Joe Chief shot the big huge wepon that lookd like a cannon on a pirat ship but smaller and more bigger bullets. The aliens around had no heads no more becaus the wepon blew them to teeny weeny pieces. “Yes thank you Joe Chief!” both human guys said at the same time together.

After Joe Chief helped them he went away to helped other human guys. But right then a HUGE aliens ship droppd down from teh space skies. Joe Chief tryed shootin big booms at it but no thing happend cus aliens ship had a lightningy thing on it that made booms blow up to fast. Joe Chief said “What!? How when i have this wepon i cant kill big alien ship?! Now I have no bullets!!” and he yelled it really loud. Joe Chief jumpd over dead aliens with no head really fast to get to big wepon place. It wasnt there but Joe Chief said “hurry!” then it came on the ground becaus wepons get born in Halo Town from some place you cant see. When Joe Chief was puttin it on his back again the aliens ship saw him and punchd a button to make missil come from it to go to Joe Chief. It blew up every place and Joe Chief but Joe Chief had a shield but it was all gone after so Joe Chief waited for the bzzt bzzt chhhhhrg and the shield got back.

“Nice try alien ship but now i have shield again ha ha ha!” Joe Chief yelled at ship then ship said “dont laugh at me ill show you!” and punched another missil at Joe Chief but then some human people droved to Joe Chief on a War Thog and picked him up and drove away befor missil hit them. “Joe Chief a general befor said that the boss alien is on the big ship we need to kill boss alien to make them go far back to Alien Town okay?”a human guy with a cool helmut said. “Okay lets kill all them!” Joe Chief said. “Wait you hear that?” helmut human guy said. “Yes I dont know what is it” Joe Chief said. “It is me!” a big alien with spines on the back of it and a shield like Joe Chief said. “Oh now i kill you!” Joe Chief said.

The spines alien shot a needle gun at the War Thog and killt the human people and the needles stuck in the helmut of the human guy but then they stuck in his heart so he died anyways. Joe Chief jumped from it and landed on his hands and then flipped even thow his space guy armor was heavy. “Spines alien we can fight with wepon like babies or fight with hands and feet like strong guys!” Joe Chief said out loud to spines alien. “Joe Chief i am not a baby i will fight you with hands and feet” Spines alien says back. Joe Chief charjed at spines alien with his fist out ready for a big punch but the spies alien turned around and Joe Chief punched spines “OWW” Joe Chief said but he broke the spines off so the spines alien said “OW” to. Joe Chief looked at the big alien ship and saw that the doors was closing and he was running out of time so Joe Chief said “now you die!” then with a lot of power from his whole body Joe Chief stepped back then swang his arm really really really fast you couldnt see it becaus it was a blur then PLOW right on the spines alien face. The spines aliens face blew up and brains and blood and guts went all over. The doors were closed almost so Joe Chief ran fast and jumped to try to get under the door, but...

to be continued...?