Dear Reebok,

I am writing to request your help. Recently I purchased a pair of Reebok brand shoes, Premier Ultra KFS VIs. I found them to be extremely comfortable to wear, on both feet, and they also make me feel fashionable. Staying fashionable is increasingly difficult, what with so many "micro-trends" coming out of Japan these days. You won't catch me dyeing my hair pink or wearing a belt on my leg! Unlike some of them. Me, I prefer to stay with the classics - a nice suit, a warm cardigan, socks from Marks & Spencer, that kind of thing.

My quandary is as follows. I returned last week from a trip into town to buy some coat hangers, and made the mistake of removing my Reebok shoes before entering my house. As I stepped through the door in my socks, I glanced down the hallway and saw to my alarm that I had left the fridge open. I raced to close it - I have been stung one time too many by the taste of bad milk - and in my panic I completely forgot my shoes. When I walked and closed the front door, I left them on the step. That proved to be a mistake.

The following morning I embarked upon a fruitless search for my misplaced footwear, only remembering after some two hours that they had been abandoned outside. Relieved, I opened the door to discover something truly shocking: my shoes had shrunk. Not just a little, but by at least five sizes. I could not tell whether this was the effect of prolonged exposure to sunlight or natural wastage hastened by a night in the cold, but the upshot was that I could not fit them on my feet. I tried for more than five minutes, but it became clear that they would only be usable by a child, and a small one at that.

This would not be such a serious problem if I owned another pair of shoes. But I am not a great spender, and I like to be especially sparing when it comes to footwear. So now I am effectively trapped in my own house, unable to leave and go to the shops because my shoes are so tiny. I certainly cannot walk there in my socks! There could be broken glass on the pavement and everybody knows what a nightmare it is to get glass out of your feet.

I must, therefore, request your assistance. Can you suggest a way I might resolve this situation? I do not blame Reebok directly for the shrunken shoes, but I am worried that I may lose my job, and I do not know where else to turn.

Your sincerely,
Chad Bradley.

For miniature Chad Bradley-isms and amazing pieces of idiot wisdom, follow him on Twitter. Or use it to request letter ideas.

Dear Mr Bradley

Thank you for your recent letter regarding your Reebok Premier Ultra KFS trainers. We are always pleased to hear from loyal Reebok customers that love our products as much as we do.

We are sorry to hear of your unfortunate circumstances but as we are sure you can appreciate, we are not able to offer an exchange or refund in this instance. We do hope you consider Reebok for your future footwear purchases.

We are sorry that we are unable to assist you further on this occasion and thank you for your interest in the Reebok brand.

Yours sincerely
Thomas Owen
Customer Care Manager
For and on behalf of Reebok UK

Hey you! Sign up for the RollZero weekly email (top of this page). It's lo-fi and cosy, plus we promise your details won't be sold to evil Nigerian scammers. Unlike your kidneys.