Dear Florette,

Let me tell you a story. It starts with me, an unemployed street cleaner living at home with his grandparents. I have to look after them because they cannot really move or speak. I would have my own place but then they would both just sit around watching Countdown, instead of having a fulfilling life listening to me talking about anime to them all evening.

I showed my grandfather Akira once. He didn't understand it at all! It's probably difficult having been in the war. Do you think that might be why he always goes to the bathroom on his chair?

Anyhow, enough of that. I'm sorry I said "let me tell you a story" at the beginning, because I actually don't have a story at all. As a matter of fact, I have a complaint.

I'm a great fan of your bagged salad product, which I enjoy eating for lunch and dinner, and sometimes directly out of the bag as a snack. It is very nice with mayonnaise or butter. On Sundays I will wash down my bad of salad with a delicious tankard of beer. My grandfather gave me the tankard during one of his "episodes". I think he stole it from a German.

On to the complaint. Last week I opened one of your bags of salad as normal. I had a plate ready, a knife and fork out beside it and a jar of mayonnaise open. I emptied out the salad onto the plate and was surprised to hear a loud clunk. I pulled my face close to the leaves, scrabbled about with my three remaining fingers and, to my alarm, discovered a small metal hypercube. A hypercube, in case you are unfamiliar, is a geometric figure in four or more dimensions, which is analogous to a cube in three dimensions. To my knowledge they are theoretical constructs rather than actual things. It turns out that my knowledge was mistaken!

What would you suggest I do with the hypercube? There is little experimental data about these shapes and I am worried it may turn into a black hole. Perhaps I could send it back to you? At least that way, if it does turn into a black hole, I won't get sucked in. Initially, at least.

Yours sincerely,
Chad Bradley.

For miniature Chad Bradley-isms and amazing pieces of idiot wisdom, follow him on Twitter. Or use it to request letter ideas.

Dear Mr Bradley

With reference to your letter received 01/04/09, please accept our apologies for finding a foreign body in your salad. Would it be possible for you to return the packaging and the foreign body in the stamped addressed envelope provided.

We will investigate the 'Hypercube' and send you our findings at a later date.

Yours sincerely,
Ann Carson
Sales & Customer Relations

We're currently working out how to send a metal hypercube to Florette for them to analyse. When we've solved this conundrum - the best idea so far is covering a crouton in Tipp-Ex - we'll post an update.

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