Dear Dairy Crest,

I recently partook of your Crazy Milk Drink. I chose the Strawberry Flavour and drank it all in one go. It was exceptionally tasty but ultimately disappointing, since it did not produce the dizzying high I had anticipated. I hoped Crazy Milk would at least disorientate me. At best I thought it might send my paranoid delusions reeling out of control, spiralling clockwise and anticlockwise simultaneously in an infinite vortex of multi-layered confusion, but this didn’t happen either. I can’t comment of the effects of drinking the chocolate flavour.

Anyway, the milk was nice, so I can’t really complain. But I really don’t think it’s particularly crazy. It’s just flavoured milk, at the end of the day. I’ve had crazier drinks.The actual reason I’m writing to you, however, concerns your guarantee. It says on the back of the bottle that we, the consumer, are entitled to send you the product if it didn’t reach we in perfect condition. Sadly, the Crazy Milk didn’t reach me in perfect condition. In fact, one hour prior to drinking it I underwent a nail assessment at a nearby School of Chiropody to determine whether I had ingrowing toenails. It emerged that I have two, which was somewhat annoying, aggravating, frustrating and the assessment left me with some residual pain in my toes. So when I bought and drank the your Crazy Milk, I was certainly not in perfect condition. Can I have some money?

Yours dammit,

Chad Bradley

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Dear Mr Bradley,

Thank you for your letter regarding Crazy Milk.

I was sorry to hear that when you tried Crazy Milk you were not in "perfect condition". As for the disappointing lack of a "a dizzying high" when drinking Crazy Milk, I can only assume that you are immune to the effects.

Unfortunately, we do not have any Crazy Milk vouchers. However, please find enclosed a voucher for a free bottle of Frijj for you to try with our compliments. I hope that the pain in your toes has now subsided and that you are in "perfect condition" when trying Frijj.

Yours sincerely,

Mrs Eve Saunders

Consumer Care Advisor