Chad Bradley does his best to write the kind of lovely, friendly letters that no corporate spokesperson or consumer affairs associate in their right mind would want to ignore. But that doesn't mean he always gets a reply. Because there are companies which slam their big metal doors in Chad's soft, worried face. We care not for your complaint, they say. We care not for our customers.

One such company is GlaxoSmithkline, creator of a marginally popular heartburn medicine named Gaviscon. Chad wrote in to complain about the product's apparent side effects. He was working as a shepherd at the time, and he discovered to his discomfort that eating Gaviscon made his sheep aroused. Clearly, this was a concern.

Dear Sir/Madam,

As a shepherd, I regularly suffer from acid indigestion, heartburn, and complete ignorance of the difference between the two. Your Gaviscon range of products has been a great help to me; in particular, I enjoy using Gaviscon. Whenever I notice the painful discomfort of acid indigestion or heartburn (I don’t know which) the morning after a long night of heavy drinking, or after a stressful day at work tending to my flock, I reach for the Gaviscon. I recently tried the Extra Strength tablets (lemon flavour). I can’t say I actually like the way they taste, or the feeling of having my mouth filled with wet, furry cardboard which results from the expansion of the tablet when thoroughly chewed, or the sensation of gulping the stuff down my throat, but these are small prices to pay for the relief from acid indigestion/heartburn. Anyhow, it’s medicine, it’s not supposed to be nice. I would follow the advice of Mary Poppins and help it down with a spoonful of sugar, but I don’t like sugar, nor indeed do I like spoons. There isn’t much call for them in the shepherding community. They’re complicated, expensive, unnecessary things. Why did God give us hands if he meant us to use spoons? I find I like to have a long drink of water after the Gaviscon, so I help it down with that.

It will probably surprise you, given what I have said, that I am writing to complain. I wouldn’t normally do so, but I feel you should know abut the unusual side effects I experienced when I took a tablet from a recently purchased box of Gaviscon Extra Strength (lemon) [BN 224701, EXP 1AUG04].

I had awoken with a start at 5 am to the relaxing sounds of Miles Davis coming out of my sister’s face (her gold tooth picks up Jazz FM). I stumbled out of bed, brushed my teeth, and walked downstairs naked for my morning meal, or ‘breakfast’. Upon opening the fridge I suffered an attack of severe acid indigestion/heartburn as a result (I suspected) of drinking too much lemonade the previous evening. I gritted my teeth, opened the handy things draw, and noshed down a Gaviscon tablet. So far so good. I had a long drink of water, and the acid indigestion/heartburn subsided. I ate my normal cereal, drank my normal coffee, and my mind - free to focus on the higher things - wandered. I had some magical daydreams, and went to work (after putting some clothes on). I awoke from my daydreams, put my clothes on, and went to work.

That’s all irrelevant, anyway. The thing is, my sheep responded to me in a very odd way that day. As I went to the sheedlettetionismisationisationaling (farming term) to get the sheep I developed a healthy swagger, which is also irrelevant. Throughout the day, more relevantly, my sheep developed and maintained a keen interest in my – ahem – soldier. They rubbed against my legs, baa-ed at me provocatively, chewed my rear and generally behaved sluttishly. Needless to say, I did not succumb to their sheepish charms (don’t mix work and pleasure, I say) and, at the end of one of the toughest days of my career, I gladly locked them in the sheedlettetionismisationisationaling.

I sat down to tea, confused. I couldn’t take another day of it, that was for sure. I ate my kebab, removed my clothes, and went to bed with an active mind. The only thing that had changed in my daily routine was the presence of Gaviscon in my body, that much was certain. I nodded off, mind full of stupid advertising jingles. The next day, thankfully, the behaviour of the sheep was entirely normal. This reinforced what I had half-concluded the night before - that their mood was the result of the Gaviscon in my system. There was no other explanation.

There still is no other explanation. I imagine that shepherds are not standard subjects for product testing; it doesn’t surprise me, then, that the disturbing side-effect I experienced has gone unnoticed by your boffins. I think, though, that you should warn people of the aphrodisiac effects Gaviscon Extra Strength tablets (lemon flavour, perhaps others too) can have on sheep. I seem to remember a little leaflet coming with my tablets - you could write a warning there. It might put people off if you wrote it on the box. I’d also really appreciate it if you could see your way to compensating me, to some extent, for my difficult experience and helpful letter.

Yours truly,

Chad Bradley.

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