Dear Cafédirect

Until recently, I had never taken coffee. Until recently, that is, until last Friday, when I tried it for the first time. And I must say that I enjoyed it – quite literally!

“I enjoyed it!!”

Don’t worry – I didn’t eat the little coffee gravels right out of the jar, like I do with stock powder. Instead I emptied some into a mug and/or cup, then covered it with the spiciest water I could find (it was in the red tap!). I stirred 15 times clockwise – and then 11 times anticlockwise!! – with my longest finger and a chisel respectively, and stood staring into the shimmering brownness until its circular motion slowed to a halt.

Then I closed my eyes, and drank… And…Wow!!… I was sold. Bowled over. Boom! I fell in love, there, on the spot. I couldn’t resist the rich, soothing warmth and bunusual taste.

And I have proudly added Cafédirect coffee to my list of favourite brown foods, alongside chocolate, curry, gravy, hazelnuts, Marmite, Pepsi, bourbon creams, brown bread, ripe bananas, brown sauce, brown rice, Bovril, brown cheese, brown ale, crispy fried onions, brown pie, Brown’s Brown Custard, the bunderside of mushrooms, kiwi fruit skin, and Caesar. My list doesn’t include light brown foods, such as balsa wood and malted milk biskwi (French). Please let me know if you would like a copy of the light brown list.

However, it is very impotent that I complain to you. For now only the hard brown hit of real coffee will do. No roughly similar experience is good enough for me, not any more. Until recently until last Friday, I had an utter mountain of teabags for rapid consumption. Now I have an utter mountain of teabags for gradual decomposition. Tea will no longer do – and so I’m afraid you have done me out of at least £15 worth of teabags. I demand to be compensated!

I also demand that you accept my heartfelt apologies for the above demand, since I really like your coffee. Please do not ignore it, however – it is still a powerful demand, despite being wrapped in soft.

Yours, expectantly,

Chad Bradley.

Dear Mr Bradley,

Thank you very much for your letter. I am very glad that you enjoyed Cafedirect coffee.

I wonder if you can clarify your request in the second part of your letter, regarding reimbursement for your tea bags. If you have already opened the box, the tea bags should still remain usable for some time if kept in an airtight container.

If the box is unopened and you have the receipt for your purchase, you may be able to claim a reimbursement from your retailer. If the tea bags are Teadirect and your have a specific problem, for example with the taste or quality of the tea bags, please let me know and I will be happy to collect them from you for further investigation.

We at Cafedirect appreciate your support in buying our brand, and we hope that you will continue to buy our products so that we can continue to pay producers a fair price for their goods.

Yours sincerely

Ruth Hampson

PA to Managing Director